The Gravel of Mind

every little thing I spit..

Self Appreciation


How are you? I always blog like I’m sending someone a special e-mail. The difference is I won’t send my clients some bitter words. I turn 23 today. I have congratulate myself saying “Ah, happy birthday to me. More serious this year”. That came up naturally. I wanted to say it because I know one hour away, my birthday will be others’ celebration and not mine. So I love saying ‘happy birthday’ to myself. Pathetic yet comforting. I won’t let anyone do it for me.

Usually if I’m blogging, it means 140 words can’t handle it well. Twitter sucks at delivering things in your head that need some elaboration. Anyhow, follow my twitter for more wasteful stories. Gonna be back soon. Cos I thought I want to blog, but after typing this, I’d rather sleep. ha! this is how liberating my ‘blog world’ is.


You Should Know

You should know that you give me warmth I couldn’t get from someone else.

You should know that you are the only one that stays over past few years and accompany me through my imbecile obstacles.

You should know that I care about you because you are that great I couldn’t not care about you.

You should know that you’re worry too much but I feel your burden. Even though sometimes I consider it only as unimportant problem. But you should know, it’s in fact important. For you, and for you to be happier.

You should know that I don’t expect you to be greater, more this, more that, I just need you beside me. And I know that’s a shame that you are over me and I’m not. You should know that I love you when you’re happy with me.

You should know that I support you. Even though sometimes, I cannot admit that you’re so right. And I have to mend my fear about losing you. You should know that it’s never easy to be okay.

You should know that your presence is like a switch for me. You gone and I go all bitter. You’re here, I’ll be like a child in a fantasy land. You should know I feel so.

You should know that you matter to me. Everything you do matters to me. Even though sometimes I’m overreacted and everything goes big deal. You should know that it’s only because I’m temperamental.

You should know that I regret the way I be so temperamental. I don’t feel okay. About everything. You should know that lately I lose all positivity I got because I’ve dealt with deep burden many times. I forgot how to feel sincerely positive. You should know that I actually envy you to still have faith on your things that will lead you to happiness. But I always wonder will you be happy without me? Am I gonna be happy without you? You should know that I still don’t have the answer and I just want your presence.

You should know that you are what everyone’s looking for in life. Brave, free, positive, optimistic, powerful, smart, creative kind that can change the world around you. You should know that you’ve changed mine. You should know you have impacted my life. You should know that I’m too ashamed to admit I don’t do the same thing to your life.

You should know I never truly blame you for being that good. It’s just again, my ego. I don’t know anywhere else to run to beside you. You complete me. You should know that.

You should know that I always welcome you. But I might be afraid of what I see so I put rude attitude out front instead. You should know I just feel weak. You should know that I need you to slap me hard when that happens.

You should know, hearing this playlist, is like having bon fire sleepless night inside my head. You’re my story, history, future story, lesson that human kind should recognize. I would love to spread your positivity to others. But I know I’m coward enough to do that.

The last thing you should know, you must sleep. You must eat. (:

Must Be Gone

From listening to Diet Mtn Dew to finding the suitable photography university programs abroad to just hitting DEL and SPACE(s). I’m in a state of old cliche. In the exact same place I used to be. Staring empty with random head contents. I’m numb and feel like a zombie. I’m a person of conflict. I know that some people would not want to hear me talking with big words. Most of them are my family. I don’t really mind. I’m a human. I earn money for a living. Not just that, I do ‘pro bono’ things to live. I’m interested in beauty and eroticism, stuff that some people will not understand about.

I find it complex to deal with a person like me. I feel like a person who is really determined and eager, strong and ambitious. But inside, I could be as fragile as a glass. I listen to songs which encourage me to destruct my being. I feel fine with it. I’m self-driven. I never share this with a human being. I’d rather type. I can communicate what I feel well enough. Pointing out problems and all. But sometimes, a friend, a human, cannot really bear what I feel. Or am I just underestimate them? I’m not quiet understand about how friendship works. Not anymore. I’m this deep person and I don’t have a chance to have a cute casual friendship. I befriend boys. For the love of having fun all day. The actual things is my guitar and piano. They listen to what I feel. They sincerely give me a chance to fall hard in order to take me higher. I feel okay to be buried. I’m in a negative state and I don’t need a friend to cheer me up or ask how I am doing. Sometimes I just need to be carried away. Sometimes I go back. But I really wish for this time to be carried way away forever. Above all reasons to keep me trying so hard, I’m born to need and be needed. I should be gone. People cannot tell me what to do. Are they going through my things? no. 

365 Challenge Moving Out


365 Challenge: #3

365 Challenge: #2

365 Challenge: #1


by @zevasudana

zevasudana: When society develops the characteristics of ignorance, its a blackhole towards many social calamities: when people stop to care&do nothing.

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Photographers’ Heavenly Work Flow

An article posted by this website says it all:


2011 Works

Bazaar Wedding Ideas Edisi Kedua 2011

Bazaar Januari 2012

Photographer: Stanley Allan

DI: Meutia Ananda

*All photographs are courtesy of BAZAAR Magazine