The Gravel of Mind

every little thing I spit..

Category: whinings

Trampoline Life

I am sick of people asking about “What do you do for a living?”

I get that a lot. I always answer them. That I do have a business to run and I don’t go to work from 9-5 and granted an insurance, bonus and always receive a salary by the end of the month.

Here are the things that I do for a living:

* I am 100% employed.

*My job requires me to be a photographer, a public relation, a caretaker, an assistance, a technical assistance, a supervisor, an employer, an employee, an editor, a videographer, a video editor, a blogger and so on. Basically how can one think that they job they currently have will level with these things I do? now, I don’t mean to underestimate people. But people underestimate my way very often. I mean, one is hired to be an editor in an office for example. The only thing she/he will do is being an editor! Same goes to other occupation. They focus to only one thing. But I started up my business, and I have to be able to run every job description available in order to make things run.

*I have salary, per month base. I set my own salary. I receive numbers of projects with decent benefit. And I take my part of rewards. The rest of the money goes to other business allocation and resource collaboration like editors, assistants, photographers, videographers, designers etc.

*My job requires me to work unpredicted time. It’s no 9-5 job. Here’s the thing, I shoot weddings mainly on the weekend. When regular employee is having day offs and being with the family. On weekdays, I have editing to do, a meeting, products supervising etc. And sometimes between that, I have day offs. I go to the park, malls, book store, meeting my people, brain storming with people, or just plainly sleeping to rest the bones. I’m restless too. You still dare to ask what do I do for a living? Sometimes in my wedding work, I have to standby from 5am in the morning till 11 in the evening. It’s 18 hours of work. And the work doesn’t stop there. It will ask for follow ups the next day, weeks, months, years.

*My job involves high risk. Risk of health, risk of reputation, risk of theft, risk of loosing data, risk of loosing capitals, risk of patents etc. It’s high demands, and everything that involves risk, I have faced it in my job. The regular people have themselves insured by their offices. They have sick days that they can take anytime and still receive salary while skipping work. I will not receive my salary if I’m skipping my work.  They have bonus by the end of the year. They are safe. And that’s not what I do. I have to make my bonus by working harder! finding more and especially RIGHT customer. Right customer is more important that it means my works speak to them, and their style speak to me. This connection is the work I’m currently building. It’s not open-ended type of trade. I am always open for my clients if they need me. In a very critical time, I have to sacrifice my own ‘me time’ in order to satisfy clients. I hope you understand that it’s a lot of work, what I do for a living.

*My job allows me to travel to places that I have never been before. To shoot weddings, or just planing trips out of my savings. It’s really enjoyable. Because I have flexible time to manage when to work, and when it’s not to work. Yes! Because I am the employer of myself. I work for my company. I don’t build it and leave it alone just like that. The benefit is, I can choose my own ‘me time’. I have more flexibility than people who has daily jobs.

*My job has connected me to numbers of people that is beneficial for networking, or just simply a motivated being. I love the people I meet and I want to make more friends as I get older. I don’t want to get stuck in one circle and stop making friends. Because I believe, the older we get, the harder we can make friends. The olders will only focus on piling money, building career, buying expensive cars and houses, yet less friends. My job will grant me unlimited chance to meet new people. Maybe not everyday, but at least every month.

So I think these are my answers to the question of “What Do You Do for A Living?”. I have my chance to explain, so I explain. And also, I agree with this article my friend shared me

What do you do for a living is different with how I make my money. It’s about what I do in my time! Those answers are clear enough.

About what I do in my time, I have goals, what I want to do in my life. Yes I’d save for a house with a studio. But other than making money with business, I want to travel, and I want a warm life with warm food, and warm good people in it. The rest is not my focused. So we make money differently, so what?

I hope people with entrepreneurial vision will wake up and build their dream. And I hope other people would open their mind, it’s not ‘those years’ anymore. Work smart and work hard! Not just work, but work with heart. And leave the job for awhile and reunite with yourself. Who wants to spend the rest of the days looking bored and unmotivated because you don’t have vision about yourself? Create something you’ll be proud of in your life (;





Parenting: Your Call, Your Cost

Hi again, hello, selamat siang,

Today, my mind was caught on the idea of parenting. It bugs me and I thought all parents should know this. My idea was inspired by a real occasion.

The speak of truth

Do any of my readers is raising a child? If you have not been one, maybe you can make my post as an input for you. Parenting matters a lot. In this point of view, I become the child. Yesterday I saw so many movies about psychopaths who killed others to satisfied his peculiar needs. I watched Ted Bundy, Saw, Human Centipede, Modus Anomali, The girl with a dragon tattoo and many other. The resemblance of all these movies is their anomalous behavior was driven by false parenting and bitter childhood memory. I really love to make an essay about it because I take it very seriously. I also know some people are rather being in denial or ignore such things caused by family. As parents, will you let your child grow or just doing things as you want? Some parents ignore the needs of their child, and heck no it’s not material needs requirements. It’s the needs of affection, wisdom, good shared value, reasons, attention, kindness and so on. Many parents ignore these needs, they work too hard, they thought they have fulfilled every needs of a child while they are doing it all wrong. Raising a kid will not stop until they got married or graduate from a university. Or will you be the parents who nurture, and what I meant by ‘nurturing’ is not answering ‘yes, you can’ or ‘no, you cannot’ towards the child activity. A child is a mix of the dad’s and mom’s values. Believe it or not, what you see in a child is your character mixed with your husband’s/wife’s quality. You can’t say ‘yes or no’ to your own being when you feel not okay right? If so, you are in denial. And one cannot learn anything and gain wisdom in denial. The speak of truth.

If you have a child, you deal with a mixture that needs to be loved. A child is here to give you alarm that your good and bad qualities is now facing you back. You just cannot hate them for being you right? If you allow this to happen, you can hate yourself now. In marriage, in family, in raising a kid, you only need love, affection, attention, and good values. Some parents wanna be the boss. They can’t even lead themselves. They can’t even let themselves grow better. When a child does something wrong, he/she will be very disappointed and start blaming and building a wall for the kid. It’s not your child to blame, it’s YOU! false parents in denial. I hope you realize it before it’s too late. And I will let you know how could it be if you keep in denial.

I see the sky is clear

When you raise a child the way like they work for you, you will be very disappointed. They are not born in this world to work for you, to satisfy you, to keep your status and so on. They are here to share love and wisdom to other people in this world. To give shelter to people who need it. To learn, and I mean by learning, it’s a never ending experience. You will keep on learning until you die. Face it wisely. Parents’ status will not do anything about it. Put it aside, or you’ve been living like a dead troll. Status or any honor you gain in this world is not your child to look for. Again, if so, you are in denial about what truly is fundamental in life. And of course, it’s not a status. Until a child grow, 5-10-15-20 years old, they need your wisest being about life in this world. As your kid ages, your ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer will felt like a wasteful solution. It’s not ‘yes’ or ‘no’ they need to hear. They need the ‘WHY CAN THEY and WHY CAN’T THEY?’. Give them the WISEST reason and I mean ALWAYS. You can be their best coaches in the world or suckers in facing reality of life. You need to know that you are wrong when you let them live to lift up to your definition and expectation of life. You are so ungodly that way. And you thought your ‘Hajj’ or ‘devout religiously’ or ‘CEO’ status will justify that you are always right when you’re raising them. Well if so, you’re so in denial. I hope you can learn.

A child does not only consist of you and your husband’s/wife’s value. God has giveth her another excellent quality that you and your husbands don’t have. God is so smart and wise this way, it’s up to you to remain dumb or ignorant about his veracity. Will you shape this new quality or will you crush it instead by raising them like you’re the boss and the righteous? If you crush your children’s pure values and quality, and what I mean by this is what actually important to your child. Will you ignore their importance and replace it with what you deem as important? Oh then you’ll be a hella worst of a parents. Congrats! You’ve been staring at the wrong sky.

You ignore this, it’s your cost

Now, you have known partial reasons about raising a child in valuable way. You now have reasons to be a good mother and father or being a judge and a boss instead in your house. Your call, your cost. You might see your child as a successful individual with good grades and good skill. It is a celebration for parents who have taught their kids with loving values instead being a curator, hypocritical and a boss. While the hypocritical parents will see it as satisfaction. but NOT YOUR KID’S SATISFACTION. because you have let them lived up to your way, up to your manner about what’s good, what’s right for you and all. You are a puppeteer. It’s suppose to be THEIR life and NOT YOURS. You know what any other cost you would have if you keep being ignorant about this? They can be monsters. You create them. They can turn their back on you later on when they grow up and strong enough to do it. And don’t worry, they will do it. Because they have suffered inside for a long time by living in your definition of success, definition of goodness, while you’re reflecting a wrong value about that. The similarity of psychopaths stories was driven by bad childhood experience. They were taught unlovingly or unsatisfied with life because their parents are ignorant, in denial, that the child needs more than just a shelter but love. The needs varies. Some kid need more affection than anything. Some need your wisdom and not judgement. Some need your attention and not your ‘yes or no’. Some need love than to be treated full of hate. If you don’t see this as important, maybe it’s not the kid who needs to grow. It’s you. Will you create great experience and memories with your child so they will fall into your arms over time they feel ignored by life? or will you be the one that they turn their back on because you give them false experience? It’s psychological. To be a parent, you need to know about human psychology, about kid’s psychology, about love, about caress and all. Great parents admit that they are wrong instead of forcing their ‘current’ value on their children.

"Psychopath Childhood"(go Google who Ted Bundy is, and you’ll be surprised)

Shoved by Belief

A blog,

I used to like visiting my blog just to post whines. I guess it is my primary reason of making one, I like to whine. I know some of you won’t like to hear. But I also know that one of you really relate to what I feel.

Well, I blog so I could feel liberated. Not always, but I’m not a type of person who likes to talk about my feelings with people. Only few of them know me, relate to my story, yet, I still feel alone solving every problem I got in my world. I don’t need people to believe what I’ve been saying since it’s not the purpose why I’m telling you the story.


Someone I really dear make a decision based on belief. I was torn (obviously), I went crazy. In this particular time, I cannot relate to some people who believe in their belief like drunken men having happy hours. My friends Valerinne shouted, “The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact that a drunken man is happier than a sober one.” Her twits opens my eyes for something I still cannot understand. Then I replied her tweet, “If that’s the case, I’d like to begin drinking again”.

I’m no believer. wait, aren’t I? I still have no idea. I have other ideas. But I worship universe and Muslim’s God. Maybe I’m a little bit outcasting its norms and ideals. Maybe I truly just worship my own value of life. Those values shape me the way I am, or am I the one who shape my personality? Maybe.

So, there is a question simply come up after I read Valerinne’s twit. Believers are like bunch of drunken men which are blind and totally unconscious. Consciusness awakens me in my life, so that’s why I don’t stick to one religion’s values. The hell with it I’m still losing. I begin to think I’m the one who’s drunk. It alerts me.


Good behavior only triggers by good environment. I’m raging this time, why? cos I’m losing a person who I really dear. I cannot manage my behavior. Bunch of drunken men* might show their best and their decent behavior. But I’m not drunk. I say, let’s show how raging I am until I’m done with it. No, belief does not make me a good person because it sounds like “It is okay you hurt other people as long as you believe in your religion”. Consciusness makes me a good person. Because I’m conscious enough not to hurt somebody physically, letting other people get what they want, appreciate life, appreciate others, sharing happiness with ones who need it. THAT makes me a good person. Oh, belief does not shape me like that. Live under penalties. Fuck it I’m still losing.

I feel like a bull. What keeps me coming back is the love. Maybe love is like a belief to me. So can I say I was drunk as well? So, to be unloved is to be sober (normal)? that’s a crazy idea I know. But I’m losing my zone, I need my comfort zone. Like Sheldon in The Big Bang Theory, “Wednesday is Halo Night and new comic book day, while vintage video games are played on Friday”. Yes, If I don’t have my own day, my dear, my friends, my favorite food, my favorite place to hang out, my favorite drink, my favorite cuddler, I’ll be raging.

*Bunch of drunken men = believers


I know that we’re born here not only to like or to dislike things.

I know that we’re born here to pursue dreams and to cherish loves.

But I don’t know, sometimes I got dislikeness and actually I don’t really dislike it. Grey.

Greyness.  Blur..

sometimes, a spliff can get me to a cliff. where everything’s clear, describable, comparable, explorable.

I know myself too well, I know what I’m thinkin. But I don’t know what am I saying. what am I hating. what am I willing to do.

you know, I don’t really like hearing somebody to pour her minds out about romances. I loathe it (and I don’t loathe the story), but I loathe that I can’t give her a perfect perception for her story about admiration, and I can’t be in a position they wish for me to be. SO, sometimes it is hard for me to give a feed back to my girl friends. I loathe being in that position. so YOU, who know me, better think back about sharing stories about it (with me), you’ll see a person with boredom in her face. This applied to even my best best friends.

Well, wow, I just don’t have something to speak out of it. to me, romance is the same. whoever the actors are, whatever the issue is, whereever it takes place, yada yada yada. I could not say something special about it.

Is it my rockin formed heart? am I insane for not buying romances words?

girls my age, they talk about it time to time. boys my age, they talk about finding new girlfriends and datings. well I love datings, hangin out, grab a cup of coffee, watch movies, and so on. But I cannot say that I’m into believing about relationships. There was a boy, really talkin bout himsef out, “I got like 20 ex’s, I got them easily. yada yada yada”, you know what, that does not count (at all). I believe those 20 romance stories are just runaway denials. Denials that you actually only love one girl in your life, and make the other 19 as flappin tails, or it could be, you haven’t met any girl that makes you feel really understood and special and needed, and embraced. am I right? I don’t really care.. right or wrong aren’t my points. YOU HAVE TO BE NEEDED TO MAKE YOU FEEL SPECIAL.

since the title of this post is Dislikes,

yes I’m disliking myself now. I loose my sensitivity,  on careness, on politics, on environment, on people, on relationships, on new things.. I HATEEEEEE ITTT FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATEE ITTT!!!!!

arrite, that’s it.

I only need a warm night, with simple people, and a decent talk. about anything, except yes, romance.

Head Bump

when I’m angry, I go to my room and bump my head

Tears fall down

It melts bead by bead, and I know it’s never sadness running along

it’s the urge to torture my body

wetly drifted on my cheeks

If someone asks me what’s wrong,

I lift up my face and smile.

They’re fooled by me.

Because I think, I don’t want somebody to see what’s inside me.

Bumping head, I did it since a lil

I’m never afraid what it’s caused to my brain

Cos I once checked it, there is ‘indeed’ a crack inside my sculp

Truly I’m lost

Emotion’s playing around inside me, making thinnest slices across the heart

I’ll smile though, as much as  I can

By this time, I’m running out of direction,

so please, somebody show me your intriguing plots

I’ll somehow buy ’em if I’m fitted in enough

Now goodnight


At night I keep my head opened. I’m always triggered to make ‘black’ phone calls. I don’t pay attention maybe I did something reckless and keep on doing it. But this heart says different. I keep calling and I can’t maintain my patience. “Patience and trust are expensive”, they say. I do believe in that phrase. But I don’t have both. I don’t have patience, and yet distrusted.

At night, I always think I can obtain my own interests. When I fear of losing my chances, it led me to indifferent person. I cannot surrender though. The last time I surrender, I didn’t have any feelings left, I didn’t have deja vou that I have stopped some certain phase in life. I was free and obeyed no order people gave me. I could go high, be irresponsible, acting like kids with their reckless friends. I have those circles. But somehow this is my late ego. I cannot wake up and feeling unexpected. I want to be expected at least on doing goodness and make you proud. I’ve lost significant bestfriends, I cannot guarantee everything. In my hand, things are easily destroyed.

Is that my picture? am I unexpected for at least in figure of love?

I sometimes see, I don’t need somebody. I deployed them easily. I have been mean to all my regarded pals. Oh well. I cannot complain. I know I’ve been too easy to erase things on my mind. First step is to remove all contacts and links that related to them. Second I might erase photos or really not talking about them. If I may say, I’m not mad. I don’t disrespect either. I go very quiet if people are starting to step by step leave me behind. Well, I’m so familiar with that. The thing is, I think that this is the way I live. I’ve been left, and I left people.

At night I ponder, how is this gonna change. But my ratio answers, I am this. If I change things, they won’t give any best for me, they only send me much tire. But I’m still needy yet tortured and wounded. I know it’s not only me. I know outthere, someone’s feel so mashed up and blur. So, nights have been my only friend, I get along so well with it. I go doomed on days. Uncertainty, forgiveness, love, needs, happiness, all of that- do I have to create rhetorical scenario about those things? again? well, I think about it so much. I pursue them. I don’t just stand and stare all years to finally have them. But maybe sometimes I hit too much pressure on it. Until it finally disappears. When phase like this happens, I often go quiet.

Maybe this is my late ego, that people often blame me for. And I choose nothing. I have no option. No rational choices. My story is my activity. I just have something big, deep inside my heart. I often think about it. Review, recap, and results nothing.

At night, I write this because night has been so kind to let me pour those feelings into words. I should have been thankful to nights.

The chronical problem is

when we do the talking.

I have no voice,

neither do you.

And I will keep on appointing mistakes.

somehow, I want to be understood without explaining anything

Make me feel peaceful.

It is hard for me,

and you assume I’ve supposed to be able to swallow everything.

If only my eyes & ears are closed, my mouth is shut,

maybe it’ll work as you wanted.

I would save my voice for a good conversation,

and would not letting out any word of misery.

Meet me when you are sober, Old Mates.

Hi again,

Don’t be afraid with the title. I just got things in my head that kinda need to be revealed. Well it’s the ‘friending’ thing. I was at the coffee shop last night, a very deep chat with my special friend. I talked to her, “Hey, I don’t like to gather up with our old friends in some malls or cafes. It’s not that I hate her or something. But I find it uniteresting because the case is, when girls meet up, they’re gonna talk about theirselves or what have been up to us, and they are starting to say that they miss me, and wanna meet me sometime in holiday. They intend to ask along other girls to come too.”

I’m not bothered or disturbed with the so called ‘invitation’. Because I won’t come, I won’t be there. If it’s make them sad or thinking weird about my answer, I won’t clear up anything. The main reason is, I don’t enjoy gather up with old friends that we know we aren’t ‘that close’ anymore. There are gap, time-spaces between us. And if I bring up myself to the gathering, I will feel awful, I prefer to do any kind of thing than this one.

Have you ever felt this way, mates?

I will go along with somefolks or a friend, if I’m pretty much comfort with them. That they won’t give a shit about me, my perspective, my way of talking or thinking, my styles, and what’s been up to me. I won’t spend some money to buy food there, cos I wanna eat in a place that there’s totally a meet of me and my needs. To eat, is to be comfort and full, to gather is to be comfort and re memorizing our old happiness, and so on. I will go for any of quality times. I won’t bother to go if I cannot find that.

And then my friend told me, “Mut, it is maybe they’re too afraid to go alone with you. That’s maybe they ask to bring other people to come. Sometimes I also think that way aswell, **what’s wrong with going alone with me??**. And I start to notice people’s gesture, that it seems like they’re not pretty much comfort with me. That is maybe why..”

I ponder about it in a loooong loooong time mates.

I think it’s the most revealing thing that has ever said to me. The most honest, the truest, the rightest thing that I’ve never even considered before.


I’m still relieved now. Somehow it makes me comfort to know the reason of it. Cos I just kneeew it. Maybe we’re just different. I got folks that comfort to go alone with. I also got a bunch of buddies, study buddies, cracks buddies, drinking buddies,or whatever it is, that make me comfort to be along with them.

It’s the different between old-gap-friends and current folks I got. I rarely come to reunions. “That’s” WHY. But I never hate my friend, I don’t accuse anyone, I miss them instead.. It’s true. But how I can’t meet their intentions. I’m just giving a perspective today, I feel no pain, I’m getting comfort, I know I sometimes am rude when they ask for me to come, I answered “Sorry, i can’t go, my lazy ass needs something cooler”. LOL

Yet, I thank them to always kindly ask me to meet them. Maybe someday this feeling will change, or NOT. Just, if you wanna hang out, let’s do activities, cool activities. I don’t enjoy talking about your hesaid-shesaid talks, your common-people perspective. And as you & I have known, I’m not common. I’m annoyed talking about common arguments.

gosh, how I miss having QUALITY TIME with you.


Confession in Return Part II

Alright, this is major urgency.

Help help help I miss my inspiration, totally.

I WANNA SPIT. well, Im certainly blabbering.

I, I, I, I.. I gotta go back tomorrow.

Well yeah, I won’t come back until I-Don’t-Know

Who will accompany me seeing The Ataris or The Ting Tings? well, I’m panicked. I feel all the feelings ate me from inside.

I know yesterdays I could be okay, and so tomorrow I will.

It’s like seeing your pictures slap me. It’s dangerous. I know you’d say “we are not supposed to, I don’t want to ruin..”

Well, this is major madness. When I was with you, i always took  responsibilities, not to say ‘something that might hurt you’, not to do ‘something nice to you’, not to care ‘of your wellness’, not to say ‘anything that You hate’.

Well, well, well, It’s like i wanna keep writing. Keep on blabbering. Even I just wanna stop when I take my pills (there when I fall asleep).

What would I do? what would I plan to? I don’t know. This hand just don’t want to stop typing..

No, I don’t cry. My lips are dried already. I, I, I.. am just shaking. I don’t know, somebody p/l/e/a/s/e  h/e/l/p  m/e

Too much duties tomorrow, I thought that I could through you for many Once Again(s).

Hey you know, I’ve just lost my perfume. Yes Burberry Beat that you used to smell. I’ve lost it. I lost my iPod as well. Perfect. Yesterday, I wanted to see you from far away. You remember right, you said the same thing, I denied. but again, maybe it’s destined. My car was being robbed. So there, i lost my opportunity.

hmm.. I think I’m fine n/o/w I don’t know.

and I know you hate me, all my words and appearances in front of you..

Serangan ‘marah-marah’ dadakan


Beberapa hari ini gua gampang banget marah. Hal-hal kecil aja bisa memicu ‘hormon marah’ gua sampe meledak-ledak. Terus terang hal-hal yang bikin gua marah itu ga esensial a.k.a ga penting a.k.a small stuff. And I really hate myself when it comes in a sudden.

Ya pada intinya, badan gua keep on moving foreward and backward, gua ga tau mau bergerak kemana, ngapain. Nah, perasaan ini tuh kaya lo ga dikasi kesempatan buat ngerenung atau diem sebentar buat tau dan mengerti apa kemauan atau kebutuhan lo saat itu. Rasanya tuh otak dipenuhi dan lebih tepatnya ditutupi oleh gambaran-gambaran blur yang gua ga tau apaan.

intinya gua emang nulis ini juga sambil marah-marah, gua jibang! *pfftt.

So, kemaren gua manggil temen gua untuk hangin’ out sebentar, berhubung dialah orang yang mengerti dan mau menyediakan telinga dan membuat gua nyaman untuk bersentimen ria, CHACHA. Gua cerita panjang lebar tentang “ke-nggak-jelasan” kemauan gua ini. Eh ditengah-tengah gua menitikan segelintir air mata cuy. Tapi gua juga ga tau nangis karena apa. Yang jelas It came on me because I’m tired of being so easy to be angry. Dan setelah gua bercerita, hati gua sedikit tenang. Sampai pada saat gua ngetik inipun gua ‘agak’ tenang, walau masih ada beberapa hal ga penting yang bisa bikin gua marah dan ga gua ngerti (sigh).

And after hangin’ out in her crib, gua yang bawa kamera karena tadinya mau menyendiri ngambir gambar sekitar Bandung, akhirnya muterin kampus dan jadiin Chacha jadi model dadakan, here they are:

Hari uda semakin sore, gua udah agak ‘easy’ perasaannya, Chacha ngajakin buat Messing around in her rooftop (I hope for Stargazing, but it’d end up with Phonemessing *long story). Ya, dan diatas atap, we ate some crackers, lollipops, and of course numbing. Dan seperti yang gua bilang, we do phonemessing, I won’t tell here, it’s too dangerous People. Hahahahaha..

Well I’m glad that I got a good friend like her in this town, satu hal yang selalu bikin gua pondering, waktu kita uda selesai kuliah, gua bakal sangat-sangat merindukannya.. hiks