The Gravel of Mind

every little thing I spit..

Category: meutia ananda

The fast paced Life

Fast forward to two years

Here we are in 2015

I skipped two years in writing my personal thoughts

Each time I go back to this place, I read my previous thoughts and felt like I suffered the most two years ago. Where episodes of panick attacks and depresion hit my days.

I’ve been working my ass off to get here. And it’s still nowhere. And I am both scared and happy to be where I am today. 

In the beginning of this year, I rent a house and build a portrait studio that I can utilize for my shootings. It’s not much but I have fun with it.





I never thought I would have my own place this fast. This make me both anxious and excited and anxious. 

In the future, I want to invest more in myself. I want to take it easy on physical gains and train myself for more insights and mindfulness.

I really hope I remember this promise.

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Trampoline Life

I am sick of people asking about “What do you do for a living?”

I get that a lot. I always answer them. That I do have a business to run and I don’t go to work from 9-5 and granted an insurance, bonus and always receive a salary by the end of the month.

Here are the things that I do for a living:

* I am 100% employed.

*My job requires me to be a photographer, a public relation, a caretaker, an assistance, a technical assistance, a supervisor, an employer, an employee, an editor, a videographer, a video editor, a blogger and so on. Basically how can one think that they job they currently have will level with these things I do? now, I don’t mean to underestimate people. But people underestimate my way very often. I mean, one is hired to be an editor in an office for example. The only thing she/he will do is being an editor! Same goes to other occupation. They focus to only one thing. But I started up my business, and I have to be able to run every job description available in order to make things run.

*I have salary, per month base. I set my own salary. I receive numbers of projects with decent benefit. And I take my part of rewards. The rest of the money goes to other business allocation and resource collaboration like editors, assistants, photographers, videographers, designers etc.

*My job requires me to work unpredicted time. It’s no 9-5 job. Here’s the thing, I shoot weddings mainly on the weekend. When regular employee is having day offs and being with the family. On weekdays, I have editing to do, a meeting, products supervising etc. And sometimes between that, I have day offs. I go to the park, malls, book store, meeting my people, brain storming with people, or just plainly sleeping to rest the bones. I’m restless too. You still dare to ask what do I do for a living? Sometimes in my wedding work, I have to standby from 5am in the morning till 11 in the evening. It’s 18 hours of work. And the work doesn’t stop there. It will ask for follow ups the next day, weeks, months, years.

*My job involves high risk. Risk of health, risk of reputation, risk of theft, risk of loosing data, risk of loosing capitals, risk of patents etc. It’s high demands, and everything that involves risk, I have faced it in my job. The regular people have themselves insured by their offices. They have sick days that they can take anytime and still receive salary while skipping work. I will not receive my salary if I’m skipping my work.  They have bonus by the end of the year. They are safe. And that’s not what I do. I have to make my bonus by working harder! finding more and especially RIGHT customer. Right customer is more important that it means my works speak to them, and their style speak to me. This connection is the work I’m currently building. It’s not open-ended type of trade. I am always open for my clients if they need me. In a very critical time, I have to sacrifice my own ‘me time’ in order to satisfy clients. I hope you understand that it’s a lot of work, what I do for a living.

*My job allows me to travel to places that I have never been before. To shoot weddings, or just planing trips out of my savings. It’s really enjoyable. Because I have flexible time to manage when to work, and when it’s not to work. Yes! Because I am the employer of myself. I work for my company. I don’t build it and leave it alone just like that. The benefit is, I can choose my own ‘me time’. I have more flexibility than people who has daily jobs.

*My job has connected me to numbers of people that is beneficial for networking, or just simply a motivated being. I love the people I meet and I want to make more friends as I get older. I don’t want to get stuck in one circle and stop making friends. Because I believe, the older we get, the harder we can make friends. The olders will only focus on piling money, building career, buying expensive cars and houses, yet less friends. My job will grant me unlimited chance to meet new people. Maybe not everyday, but at least every month.

So I think these are my answers to the question of “What Do You Do for A Living?”. I have my chance to explain, so I explain. And also, I agree with this article my friend shared me http://under30ceo.com/an-open-letter-to-frustrated-20-somethings/

What do you do for a living is different with how I make my money. It’s about what I do in my time! Those answers are clear enough.

About what I do in my time, I have goals, what I want to do in my life. Yes I’d save for a house with a studio. But other than making money with business, I want to travel, and I want a warm life with warm food, and warm good people in it. The rest is not my focused. So we make money differently, so what?

I hope people with entrepreneurial vision will wake up and build their dream. And I hope other people would open their mind, it’s not ‘those years’ anymore. Work smart and work hard! Not just work, but work with heart. And leave the job for awhile and reunite with yourself. Who wants to spend the rest of the days looking bored and unmotivated because you don’t have vision about yourself? Create something you’ll be proud of in your life (;

 

Cheers,

Mute

Gazing over Dysfunctional Soul

Blogging is therapeutic. I really can’t go somewhere else to feel alone. I love it here. Here’s is quiet. Here’s dominated by darkness and desaturated kaleidoscope. I was this girl with a good heart. good manner. Who could cry over something touchy. Who would feel empathy for someone who’s going through minor sickness. And now I’m so cold-hearted and despising some others’ values or voices. I can scream here, I can be myself. I can be inconsiderate here. I can feel my soul.

To feel how good it is to touch the soil, to play splash water, to lay feel the warm sun outside. I have run out such feelings. I have been too logical who cry inside. I have gone through a lot of pain. It might be the factor why I turn out this way. I can’t hear the voice of my heart. You would feel how dysfunctional I am the whole time.

It’s been great and painful years. I keep going and reassure myself that I can do it. That I can get what I deserve. That I’m fine. That I’m normal kind of person. But I know I’m not. I’m not happy rambling about football or any match. Food over fuss. Oddity over dreams. Logics over feelings. I can’t understand why.  I know that some people would love to cheer me up and making me see the light side of life. But I’m not looking for that, I guess. I don’t how to describe this but sometimes pain is my only friend. Beauty.

If I’m being investigated by The Lightman Group, they might see that I’m showing a hopelessness. I might be a person who would jump off the bridge just to finalize the beauty of pain. Yet I would still regret it because I will make people I love feel miserable because of me. I can’t. I feel I have to stand up straight. Looking at the sun and take bullets for people I love. But sometimes the magic doesn’t work everywhere. Only in a small room filled with a nice voice and dreams. The magic keeps me alive.

Self Appreciation

Hello,

How are you? I always blog like I’m sending someone a special e-mail. The difference is I won’t send my clients some bitter words. I turn 23 today. I have congratulate myself saying “Ah, happy birthday to me. More serious this year”. That came up naturally. I wanted to say it because I know one hour away, my birthday will be others’ celebration and not mine. So I love saying ‘happy birthday’ to myself. Pathetic yet comforting. I won’t let anyone do it for me.

Usually if I’m blogging, it means 140 words can’t handle it well. Twitter sucks at delivering things in your head that need some elaboration. Anyhow, follow my twitter for more wasteful stories. Gonna be back soon. Cos I thought I want to blog, but after typing this, I’d rather sleep. ha! this is how liberating my ‘blog world’ is.

 

Assumption

To be a person that knows it all, it’s crap.

People assume, believe and spread rumors, it’s sad.

I have assumption as well but I try to ignore any assumption since assuming never make me happy, so I leave it alone.

People should know that I don’t want to know their business since I got nothing to do with it and it doesn’t give me any great feeling when I deal with one. I would leave others’ business alone and taking care of mine.

People expect too much these days out of unexpected occurrence. You can make life certain, assured and all, but something unexpected is always come up the whole time. It’s just a matter of choice. Who you decide to be? a whiner? an optimist? a pessimist? or a realist? a dreamer or just a blaming-mediocre when things don’t come up as you’ve expected? Me? I’ll become a grateful one who’s given a chance to look wider about life and deeper at the same time.

In my life (not theirs, not yours, not hers, or his but mine), I live up to something really good to hear, see, taste and touch. Yes it makes me happy. Compromising too much doesn’t make me a happy person, assuming will only suffocate my feeling, and talking with bunch of conservatives will just waste my time. But inside this full-metal look person, I’m very sensitive and considerate. But you should see that I don’t really mind and I’m not really mad when ones are taking advantage out of my silence. Cos you know, in silence, I pretend that you don’t exist so I could feel my mind and be happy about it. Considering feelings is too much already because people like to be considered and sometimes they want for more. That is normal, but I give up providing consideration for ones who doesn’t deserve my respect at the first place.

It’s my call cos it’s my life. You can make yours. And we can still live in this universe by respecting our own ‘zones’. Wall exists. That easy.. : )

To you

Hey, people. I’ll tell you something, you can’t force others to do the way you usually do, to have the same faith as you have, to see what you see and to feel what you feel. But you can always be kind to each other and that’s good enough for everyone to live.

Something

that I could not relate to:

It is awesome though to have your ex beside you and still support you no matter what shitty situation or happy moments you’ve gone through. Well, I got very big question mark inside my head. Will it be possible to do it? to stay friends, bestfriends, best supporter, spectator of our life without ‘affection’ involved with our ex(s) again? is it?

It is not that I don’t believe in it. In fact, I have an ex that turns out to be a great friend for me. I don’t really know why it happened this way. The first thing came out when he asked that “Should we make a 4 year contract being brother and sister?” since I never had any brother, I said yes. Plus, i thought it was hard for him that time to get over our ‘situation’. But it got better since 4 years ago. This is like year 5 or so I don’t know, and we’re still discussing stuff together without affection involved (as I see it).

But, i was not fell so hard that moment, so I could guarantee to be his ‘sister’. And now I’m at the point that questioning about ‘could I do this again?’. But I fall hard this time with another person I’ve known for EVER. It won’t be possible, I can’t guarantee it. I feel jealousy, affection and expectation are still here in my heart. But seeing this photo of a person that I really admire speaks louder to me. Avril’s still hanging out with her ex-husband that she was madly in love with. And she is going out with another ‘big california boyfriend’ today like in her ‘Headset’ song. It speaks hope. It speaks loud. I just wanna try my best to be the best bet for special people in my life. But yes, selfishness and impulsiveness are still here mothafucka.. hehe

Well yeah, just ignore it. Cos I ignore it.

Therapy

The time I went to my blog is when I’m pathless. I trully feel empty tonight. I feel like to die is better than to live. I have spaces for myself, a small space, a box to surround my stiff body down there. It’s dark, it’s humid, it holds every nightmare we had when we live. Yet, why I feel peace picturing it. Some people cheer us when we’re sad, and say that we should move on, move along the crowd, “everything’s gonna be okay”, “you’ll find the happiness of your life”. I guess those words are best to say when the person is not in our position, doesn’t really ‘relate’ to us or just don’t have any better words.

Maybe I’m expecting more in my life, but I don’t really know. Yet, I’m going for something vivid, some picture that makes everyone leave me one by one because they don’t believe it’ll be realized. I cannot guarantee things for my future but I know I will never go for less. I have sacrificed, I have loved, I have argued, I have been uneasy. Never I expect things to be easy in my life, never I expect everything will go smooth either. I can’t do for less. I can’t sit and do nothing. I can’t let the world evolve. I want to move the world. A person with particular impulsiveness, that’s me. We all have some impulsive part that ‘maybe’ we won’t admit. But I admit it, I’m part of my impulsiveness. Well I can’t please everybody everyday. Because it feels hard to please my own self.

To me, writing feelings is like a therapy. This is the only place I can go to set my mind straight. I know I have those people who are willing to hear my stories. But you know what, I’m quite traumatic. I don’t want judgmental people judge my stories. Try to make me feel okay. I don’t want to be normal. I don’t want to be like everybody else. I want better. I need to achieve my truest self. I won’t consider having (what they say) perfect and normal life. I won’t my life filled with great stories. Until my last breath, my last drop of blood, my last sweat, I want an adventurous and wise life. I want to fly and I want to be okay flying.

So, I feel a bit okay now, I have to be okay, right? Do you have a suggestion where should I go to talk about this extraordinary picture? Because I’m hopeless on people, they are my problem, they are judges, BAD JUDGES. I guess, if my money is overload, I’ll befriend a shrink and have lunch together. I would love to hear people who think out of the box talking. I love to hear people who talk about ideas, about details of life. Not other people, not rumors, not gossips or whoever it is. I feel like leaving the conversation when it happens. Don’t blame me. I just have zero interest on talking about it.

Observe and feel and hurt and heal

About My People

Bit bitter facts about Taureans which I compiled from @allabouttaurus twitter page. Would you spare some time to relate to my being and everything I say in daily basis? I’m so sorry to the ones involved with my stubbornness in this particular life, actually I just want the simplest thing in life, “to be okay”.

  • #Tauruses always give you something to dream, aspire or even think about this is who you are
  • #taurus hate repeating themselves 
  • #Taurus never complain about not having the right tools. We work with what we got 
  • A #taurus won’t tell you but they have already put their own life in phases and know how to act and what to expect in each phase
  • #Taurus are quiet unless they know you really well or they know they’ll never see you again
  • I don’t go around telling people I’m a #taurus but I couldn’t be anything else
  • If you think being hard headed is going to win a #tauruses respect U R so wrong be fragile, vulnerable, but honest with it that’s strength.
  • It feels as though a #taurus is creating moments even when your doing nothing
  • #Taurus have a natural magnetism to attract what they want
  • #Taurus work towards their goals at a methodical pace slow and steady
  • #Tauruses don’t care what anyone thinks about them
  • 9 out of 10 times you won’t like what a #taurus has to say but you always appreciate their strait forward honesty 
  • Should have, would have, could have is not in a #tauruses vocabulary. Instead they say ‘this is what it is, this is what I can do’
  • If you fail to plan, then you plan to fail, but life is what happens when you’re making plans soooooo…#taurus just chill and watch da show
  • #Taurus are consistent with good advice even if they don’t like you
  • You can have whatever you want from a #taurus but can you put away your ego long enough to ask nicely? If not #UGotABigProblem.
  • A #taurus opinions are not political they are good grounded logic based on a sense of fairness, justice, and common sense
  • #Taurus have to learn to let go
  • If you don’t like a #taurus get in line.
  • #Taurus needs regular sex to be the happiest
  • I’m a #taurus what makes you think I can’t smell your bullshit?
  • A #taurus will either do it or they won’t. Either way they won’t complain about it
  • A #taurus will never forget a favour but will also never forget a betrayal
  • A common misconception is to believe you can do things your own way when your in a relationship with a #taurus you will always do it ♉ way
  • #Taurus like to be spoken to softly
  •  #Taurus don’t trust or believe anyone a 100%…. nope
  • The constellation #Taurus is known as the ‘Judge’
  •  #Taurus is always thinkin’ of a way to work you into their plan
  • #Taurus only love arguments that lead to sex
  • #Taurus regards their partners as inspiration
  • As a #taurus you might ask the simplest question based on a the simplest observation and this is the one freaks people out
  • For a taurean it doesn’t have to be about the money but it’s got to be about something

Do these lines speak to you? :p