The Gravel of Mind

every little thing I spit..

Category: just so you know


The day that I am back here. The year as an ending and a beginning.

The blog that witnessed it all.

The place they wouldn’t know I spend time in.

Tonight I read again what I wrote here, and that it gives me chill how fucked up I have been for years and years and years and years without sufficient help, or, correct help to be unfucked. I did have session with therapist, gradually feel better. But I think I need more twist to break the chain.

I screwed up. Big Time.

Regret? Yes.

Remorse? Yes.

Sad? Over time

Depressed? Got prescribed anti depressants

Angry? sometimes

Anxious? The whole Time

So Here I am again, different years, same shit. Depressed.

It feels like nothing has changed but actually this time the change happened and I could face it.

Sometimes I am being avoidant about the situation, sometimes I drank up, sometimes I took 2 sports classes a day, sometimes I mindlessly bought plane ticket to be away from home. Sometimes, I ate just once a day, and coffee. Shred 5 kg from my body. I heard I’m getting a six pack, but what is a six pack without the love of your life? LOL.

Nah, I know that it’s just for me.

This day, ordinary day. Last 3 months, hell.

I still couldn’t write better, because my brain still in bad shape, my heart and my mind are still in bad shape. Maybe someday I could elaborate.

But the story is: the 11 years , the 11, is not with me anymore.

How contradictory it is that the number that my past s.o loved the most, marks the year of separation.

But let’s face it. Like a mature person. And taste life. Like what we want. For now, I am so hopeful to be admitted to be in Vipassana course on November. If they rejects it, fuck it. I’m taking more classes.


Onto Relevancy

Another year passed by. I actually have the smallest needs to project myself onto the people’s tables, ipads, iphones or social medias. I feel like I don’t need to be seen and it wasn’t negative as I speak. I want this, I want oblivion. It is so good, and mentally cleansing yourself from the current fads.

Today, marked the Fifth year I worked from home. It is a remarkable journey. I want to share you something I just read, and it could pretty much sums up what I feel today.

Sugar Cherry

Since when do we have to sugar coat or cherry top our opinions on anything?

I see it the most unhealthy form of expressing yourself

These very days, I rarely hear bitterness up in the conversation than ones on the TV. These ones are very brutal.

It’s not that you have to be very bitter all the time because you’re not dumb or even saying nice things all the time because you must use your intelligence once in a while

It’s only because I find being straight forward the most efficient way, it shortens your words

Nevermind, I don’t like cherries anyway


It’s that time of the year again. The time when you come to realise that you have gone further in a year. WordPress layout is showered with snow. That’s what I like about WordPress over B*spot. They don’t celebrate it there.


This time of year, I don’t feel very much welcomed by my own body. I have been struggling with depression, anxiety and panic attacks. Since I read somewhere if it has happened more than twice, it’d be called, panic disorder. I am 24 years old. I have my passion as my career, I have a  so many things to be grateful for. Yet I don’t fit in this body. I feel very rejected and I have gone through a lot of pain during 2013.


I can say I have spent most of my allowance for shopping and medical expenses. Could you guess why?  Some people will relate to this. I have been very clueless with what happens to my life.


Usually, people will never post such thing in the internet. But I don’t think ‘not writing’ this will make me feel any difference. SO I just say ‘fuck it, no one would even care to read’. Except myself. And I love reading what I’ve written in the previous time.


I have been troubled by some uneasy nights, dreams, and numbers of episodes of heart burn that led me to the emergency room. Doctors said it wasn’t heart attack, it’s just my anxiety attacks. I don’t feel any lighter when they said that. It’s pretty much summed up that I will be fucked up.


But I can say that my overly concern on health, even though it has cost me a lot, make me seeing the brighter side. But i don’t find it amusing. 


No one would ever understand this. They would only say ‘it’s just in your head’. That is the most cliche thing I have ever heard during my pain. You just don’t say that to people with depression.


Also, you know, I really hate driving todays. Last month, I hired an independent driver to take me to my shooting locations. Because I just cannot stand the exhaustion and the tense to be in traffic. My stress is multiplied in traffic. I really hate driving. I really hate to spend most of my time driving. I want someone to understand that and wish they hate it too. I would like to curse driving together with him/her.


Tomorrow is the last day of 2013. My prayer will be to be out of this stiffness, numbness, depression, stress, anxiety, and panic attacks that have lingered me for the whole year. It’s just frustrating. Please, please, please God, would you hear my prayer?


Trampoline Life

I am sick of people asking about “What do you do for a living?”

I get that a lot. I always answer them. That I do have a business to run and I don’t go to work from 9-5 and granted an insurance, bonus and always receive a salary by the end of the month.

Here are the things that I do for a living:

* I am 100% employed.

*My job requires me to be a photographer, a public relation, a caretaker, an assistance, a technical assistance, a supervisor, an employer, an employee, an editor, a videographer, a video editor, a blogger and so on. Basically how can one think that they job they currently have will level with these things I do? now, I don’t mean to underestimate people. But people underestimate my way very often. I mean, one is hired to be an editor in an office for example. The only thing she/he will do is being an editor! Same goes to other occupation. They focus to only one thing. But I started up my business, and I have to be able to run every job description available in order to make things run.

*I have salary, per month base. I set my own salary. I receive numbers of projects with decent benefit. And I take my part of rewards. The rest of the money goes to other business allocation and resource collaboration like editors, assistants, photographers, videographers, designers etc.

*My job requires me to work unpredicted time. It’s no 9-5 job. Here’s the thing, I shoot weddings mainly on the weekend. When regular employee is having day offs and being with the family. On weekdays, I have editing to do, a meeting, products supervising etc. And sometimes between that, I have day offs. I go to the park, malls, book store, meeting my people, brain storming with people, or just plainly sleeping to rest the bones. I’m restless too. You still dare to ask what do I do for a living? Sometimes in my wedding work, I have to standby from 5am in the morning till 11 in the evening. It’s 18 hours of work. And the work doesn’t stop there. It will ask for follow ups the next day, weeks, months, years.

*My job involves high risk. Risk of health, risk of reputation, risk of theft, risk of loosing data, risk of loosing capitals, risk of patents etc. It’s high demands, and everything that involves risk, I have faced it in my job. The regular people have themselves insured by their offices. They have sick days that they can take anytime and still receive salary while skipping work. I will not receive my salary if I’m skipping my work.  They have bonus by the end of the year. They are safe. And that’s not what I do. I have to make my bonus by working harder! finding more and especially RIGHT customer. Right customer is more important that it means my works speak to them, and their style speak to me. This connection is the work I’m currently building. It’s not open-ended type of trade. I am always open for my clients if they need me. In a very critical time, I have to sacrifice my own ‘me time’ in order to satisfy clients. I hope you understand that it’s a lot of work, what I do for a living.

*My job allows me to travel to places that I have never been before. To shoot weddings, or just planing trips out of my savings. It’s really enjoyable. Because I have flexible time to manage when to work, and when it’s not to work. Yes! Because I am the employer of myself. I work for my company. I don’t build it and leave it alone just like that. The benefit is, I can choose my own ‘me time’. I have more flexibility than people who has daily jobs.

*My job has connected me to numbers of people that is beneficial for networking, or just simply a motivated being. I love the people I meet and I want to make more friends as I get older. I don’t want to get stuck in one circle and stop making friends. Because I believe, the older we get, the harder we can make friends. The olders will only focus on piling money, building career, buying expensive cars and houses, yet less friends. My job will grant me unlimited chance to meet new people. Maybe not everyday, but at least every month.

So I think these are my answers to the question of “What Do You Do for A Living?”. I have my chance to explain, so I explain. And also, I agree with this article my friend shared me

What do you do for a living is different with how I make my money. It’s about what I do in my time! Those answers are clear enough.

About what I do in my time, I have goals, what I want to do in my life. Yes I’d save for a house with a studio. But other than making money with business, I want to travel, and I want a warm life with warm food, and warm good people in it. The rest is not my focused. So we make money differently, so what?

I hope people with entrepreneurial vision will wake up and build their dream. And I hope other people would open their mind, it’s not ‘those years’ anymore. Work smart and work hard! Not just work, but work with heart. And leave the job for awhile and reunite with yourself. Who wants to spend the rest of the days looking bored and unmotivated because you don’t have vision about yourself? Create something you’ll be proud of in your life (;




Why Would I Want Your Presence Anyway?


It is such a waste of time. Why would I want your presence anyway? Just to be stab in the back over time.
Why would I want you anyway? To be only secluded by unhealthy mentality
Why would I want us to be friend anyway? Just to drive your package 5 hours on the road only to be told ‘Gue lupa ngasi tau lo gue ga disitu lagi’ and arriving at the destination just to hear ‘sorry ngerepotin’ and at the end seen my presence as your kurir and servants, to only see something that I really would kill myself with.
You are no better than substance.
No better than anything else in the world.
You have my friends, go ahead, I don’t take people.
Yes, I like your boss.
Yes, I would have a new environment after this.
I want a non-abusive relationship. Maybe as our physics are fine, our mentals, psychological, emotional aren’t capable to mend the situation. You better go eat your fucking perspective shit.
No, I don’t have commitment issue. Before you, I have 9 years relationship. I commit my fucking self. Until I see why I cannot be with him anymore.
You are not my first. Won’t be my last either.
I have too many unsolved issues with you. I could go crazy with it.
Only to hear, ‘What you say is hurt. Then you’ll say you don’t mean your words’
I mean all of my fucking world. I meant them all.
Situation like this makes it vivid.
You won’t know, it feels thousand times better with someone else.
No, I won’t get deluded again


Hello uninvited fellows,

Thank you for being not real. I love you guys for that. Usually when I come writing here, I don’t want somebody else to know in purpose. I want society to guess what is it like, how odd it feels like to be me, a person who thinks too much and talk a lot. I always come with an argument. On my daily life, I know I’m trying to give my best such as what can I do to help the world. Sounds exaggerating but I don’t know any sweeter word to say. I contribute to world within its 24 hours rotation.

There is not much ‘you’ here. Only I. Because sometimes I feel so tired and so consumed by my own thoughts of uncertainty, possessiveness over world, people, things etc. I don’t know why I wanted to be an artist. I don’t choose to be (or maybe I did), but I feel really lonesome being one. But less lonesome than doing anything else beside what I do. Bear with me world, I’ll be using some words you don’t expect to understand. I’m being myself now, you are not my muse this time.

Today I did a lot of stuff, this month I did a lot of stuff. This year I did a lot of stuff. 2012 has given me some challenges and opportunities I’ve been waiting to get before. Near its end, i wanted to thank you for providing them to me. For the love, for the lust, for the companion, for the anxiety, for the muses, for the drinks, for the food, for the nights, for the distances, for the hallucination, for the euphorias, for everything.

You know weirdo world, I make friends this year. You rational, normal people might laugh at me. Some of the freaks might understand and could step in my shoes. Yes, I interact, I make more contacts this year. And this is awesome, world. They are not only the contact I put numbers on my phone wether or not I might meet them. They talk to me, they give me signs that I should do the opportunity if I want to be a better person. They are the best kind of people. Sometimes normal, rational people hate them, envy them, talk behind them, but I love them for have been reaching the extra miles. I love seeing people’s motion. It means they don’t stop. I can’t imagine seeing the same thing everyday, seeing people settling down doing monotone routines. Maybe I can, but I hate myself when I’m seeing it. I don’t feel alive, and I need to feel alive.

I have an aunt that I dear so much, she is so polite and her voice is as soothing as the wind blows (trust me, I can exaggerate anything on my own blog, you don’t wanna fight me on this) She is like an angel. She cooks, she has been experiencing uneasy situation her whole life, yet her heart is as white as snow. That’s what I see. Sometimes imperfect people is what you need to make you feel perfect. While the ‘try-to-be’ perfect ones would only make you feel like shit. I love my aunt, she went back to her house today and I’m so sad. I’m also in my period and maybe that’s why I’m crying.

But I just want world to know that I thank you. That I will try to keep you safe. That I will keep myself safe from things I don’t need to hear or see in my life. And I also wish that my weirdo fellows would always be happy, and I try to be there when they are not. I stop taking, and I’m ready to start giving.

I hate goodbyes but I might see you and posting here again next time (when I’m in uneasy situation, I always come back to you, I got you). Merry Christmas and I need another good year.


Parenting: Your Call, Your Cost

Hi again, hello, selamat siang,

Today, my mind was caught on the idea of parenting. It bugs me and I thought all parents should know this. My idea was inspired by a real occasion.

The speak of truth

Do any of my readers is raising a child? If you have not been one, maybe you can make my post as an input for you. Parenting matters a lot. In this point of view, I become the child. Yesterday I saw so many movies about psychopaths who killed others to satisfied his peculiar needs. I watched Ted Bundy, Saw, Human Centipede, Modus Anomali, The girl with a dragon tattoo and many other. The resemblance of all these movies is their anomalous behavior was driven by false parenting and bitter childhood memory. I really love to make an essay about it because I take it very seriously. I also know some people are rather being in denial or ignore such things caused by family. As parents, will you let your child grow or just doing things as you want? Some parents ignore the needs of their child, and heck no it’s not material needs requirements. It’s the needs of affection, wisdom, good shared value, reasons, attention, kindness and so on. Many parents ignore these needs, they work too hard, they thought they have fulfilled every needs of a child while they are doing it all wrong. Raising a kid will not stop until they got married or graduate from a university. Or will you be the parents who nurture, and what I meant by ‘nurturing’ is not answering ‘yes, you can’ or ‘no, you cannot’ towards the child activity. A child is a mix of the dad’s and mom’s values. Believe it or not, what you see in a child is your character mixed with your husband’s/wife’s quality. You can’t say ‘yes or no’ to your own being when you feel not okay right? If so, you are in denial. And one cannot learn anything and gain wisdom in denial. The speak of truth.

If you have a child, you deal with a mixture that needs to be loved. A child is here to give you alarm that your good and bad qualities is now facing you back. You just cannot hate them for being you right? If you allow this to happen, you can hate yourself now. In marriage, in family, in raising a kid, you only need love, affection, attention, and good values. Some parents wanna be the boss. They can’t even lead themselves. They can’t even let themselves grow better. When a child does something wrong, he/she will be very disappointed and start blaming and building a wall for the kid. It’s not your child to blame, it’s YOU! false parents in denial. I hope you realize it before it’s too late. And I will let you know how could it be if you keep in denial.

I see the sky is clear

When you raise a child the way like they work for you, you will be very disappointed. They are not born in this world to work for you, to satisfy you, to keep your status and so on. They are here to share love and wisdom to other people in this world. To give shelter to people who need it. To learn, and I mean by learning, it’s a never ending experience. You will keep on learning until you die. Face it wisely. Parents’ status will not do anything about it. Put it aside, or you’ve been living like a dead troll. Status or any honor you gain in this world is not your child to look for. Again, if so, you are in denial about what truly is fundamental in life. And of course, it’s not a status. Until a child grow, 5-10-15-20 years old, they need your wisest being about life in this world. As your kid ages, your ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer will felt like a wasteful solution. It’s not ‘yes’ or ‘no’ they need to hear. They need the ‘WHY CAN THEY and WHY CAN’T THEY?’. Give them the WISEST reason and I mean ALWAYS. You can be their best coaches in the world or suckers in facing reality of life. You need to know that you are wrong when you let them live to lift up to your definition and expectation of life. You are so ungodly that way. And you thought your ‘Hajj’ or ‘devout religiously’ or ‘CEO’ status will justify that you are always right when you’re raising them. Well if so, you’re so in denial. I hope you can learn.

A child does not only consist of you and your husband’s/wife’s value. God has giveth her another excellent quality that you and your husbands don’t have. God is so smart and wise this way, it’s up to you to remain dumb or ignorant about his veracity. Will you shape this new quality or will you crush it instead by raising them like you’re the boss and the righteous? If you crush your children’s pure values and quality, and what I mean by this is what actually important to your child. Will you ignore their importance and replace it with what you deem as important? Oh then you’ll be a hella worst of a parents. Congrats! You’ve been staring at the wrong sky.

You ignore this, it’s your cost

Now, you have known partial reasons about raising a child in valuable way. You now have reasons to be a good mother and father or being a judge and a boss instead in your house. Your call, your cost. You might see your child as a successful individual with good grades and good skill. It is a celebration for parents who have taught their kids with loving values instead being a curator, hypocritical and a boss. While the hypocritical parents will see it as satisfaction. but NOT YOUR KID’S SATISFACTION. because you have let them lived up to your way, up to your manner about what’s good, what’s right for you and all. You are a puppeteer. It’s suppose to be THEIR life and NOT YOURS. You know what any other cost you would have if you keep being ignorant about this? They can be monsters. You create them. They can turn their back on you later on when they grow up and strong enough to do it. And don’t worry, they will do it. Because they have suffered inside for a long time by living in your definition of success, definition of goodness, while you’re reflecting a wrong value about that. The similarity of psychopaths stories was driven by bad childhood experience. They were taught unlovingly or unsatisfied with life because their parents are ignorant, in denial, that the child needs more than just a shelter but love. The needs varies. Some kid need more affection than anything. Some need your wisdom and not judgement. Some need your attention and not your ‘yes or no’. Some need love than to be treated full of hate. If you don’t see this as important, maybe it’s not the kid who needs to grow. It’s you. Will you create great experience and memories with your child so they will fall into your arms over time they feel ignored by life? or will you be the one that they turn their back on because you give them false experience? It’s psychological. To be a parent, you need to know about human psychology, about kid’s psychology, about love, about caress and all. Great parents admit that they are wrong instead of forcing their ‘current’ value on their children.

"Psychopath Childhood"(go Google who Ted Bundy is, and you’ll be surprised)

You Should Know

You should know that you give me warmth I couldn’t get from someone else.

You should know that you are the only one that stays over past few years and accompany me through my imbecile obstacles.

You should know that I care about you because you are that great I couldn’t not care about you.

You should know that you’re worry too much but I feel your burden. Even though sometimes I consider it only as unimportant problem. But you should know, it’s in fact important. For you, and for you to be happier.

You should know that I don’t expect you to be greater, more this, more that, I just need you beside me. And I know that’s a shame that you are over me and I’m not. You should know that I love you when you’re happy with me.

You should know that I support you. Even though sometimes, I cannot admit that you’re so right. And I have to mend my fear about losing you. You should know that it’s never easy to be okay.

You should know that your presence is like a switch for me. You gone and I go all bitter. You’re here, I’ll be like a child in a fantasy land. You should know I feel so.

You should know that you matter to me. Everything you do matters to me. Even though sometimes I’m overreacted and everything goes big deal. You should know that it’s only because I’m temperamental.

You should know that I regret the way I be so temperamental. I don’t feel okay. About everything. You should know that lately I lose all positivity I got because I’ve dealt with deep burden many times. I forgot how to feel sincerely positive. You should know that I actually envy you to still have faith on your things that will lead you to happiness. But I always wonder will you be happy without me? Am I gonna be happy without you? You should know that I still don’t have the answer and I just want your presence.

You should know that you are what everyone’s looking for in life. Brave, free, positive, optimistic, powerful, smart, creative kind that can change the world around you. You should know that you’ve changed mine. You should know you have impacted my life. You should know that I’m too ashamed to admit I don’t do the same thing to your life.

You should know I never truly blame you for being that good. It’s just again, my ego. I don’t know anywhere else to run to beside you. You complete me. You should know that.

You should know that I always welcome you. But I might be afraid of what I see so I put rude attitude out front instead. You should know I just feel weak. You should know that I need you to slap me hard when that happens.

You should know, hearing this playlist, is like having bon fire sleepless night inside my head. You’re my story, history, future story, lesson that human kind should recognize. I would love to spread your positivity to others. But I know I’m coward enough to do that.

The last thing you should know, you must sleep. You must eat. (:

Must Be Gone

From listening to Diet Mtn Dew to finding the suitable photography university programs abroad to just hitting DEL and SPACE(s). I’m in a state of old cliche. In the exact same place I used to be. Staring empty with random head contents. I’m numb and feel like a zombie. I’m a person of conflict. I know that some people would not want to hear me talking with big words. Most of them are my family. I don’t really mind. I’m a human. I earn money for a living. Not just that, I do ‘pro bono’ things to live. I’m interested in beauty and eroticism, stuff that some people will not understand about.

I find it complex to deal with a person like me. I feel like a person who is really determined and eager, strong and ambitious. But inside, I could be as fragile as a glass. I listen to songs which encourage me to destruct my being. I feel fine with it. I’m self-driven. I never share this with a human being. I’d rather type. I can communicate what I feel well enough. Pointing out problems and all. But sometimes, a friend, a human, cannot really bear what I feel. Or am I just underestimate them? I’m not quiet understand about how friendship works. Not anymore. I’m this deep person and I don’t have a chance to have a cute casual friendship. I befriend boys. For the love of having fun all day. The actual things is my guitar and piano. They listen to what I feel. They sincerely give me a chance to fall hard in order to take me higher. I feel okay to be buried. I’m in a negative state and I don’t need a friend to cheer me up or ask how I am doing. Sometimes I just need to be carried away. Sometimes I go back. But I really wish for this time to be carried way away forever. Above all reasons to keep me trying so hard, I’m born to need and be needed. I should be gone. People cannot tell me what to do. Are they going through my things? no.