by M. A

It’s that time of the year again. The time when you come to realise that you have gone further in a year. WordPress layout is showered with snow. That’s what I like about WordPress over B*spot. They don’t celebrate it there.


This time of year, I don’t feel very much welcomed by my own body. I have been struggling with depression, anxiety and panic attacks. Since I read somewhere if it has happened more than twice, it’d be called, panic disorder. I am 24 years old. I have my passion as my career, I have a  so many things to be grateful for. Yet I don’t fit in this body. I feel very rejected and I have gone through a lot of pain during 2013.


I can say I have spent most of my allowance for shopping and medical expenses. Could you guess why?  Some people will relate to this. I have been very clueless with what happens to my life.


Usually, people will never post such thing in the internet. But I don’t think ‘not writing’ this will make me feel any difference. SO I just say ‘fuck it, no one would even care to read’. Except myself. And I love reading what I’ve written in the previous time.


I have been troubled by some uneasy nights, dreams, and numbers of episodes of heart burn that led me to the emergency room. Doctors said it wasn’t heart attack, it’s just my anxiety attacks. I don’t feel any lighter when they said that. It’s pretty much summed up that I will be fucked up.


But I can say that my overly concern on health, even though it has cost me a lot, make me seeing the brighter side. But i don’t find it amusing. 


No one would ever understand this. They would only say ‘it’s just in your head’. That is the most cliche thing I have ever heard during my pain. You just don’t say that to people with depression.


Also, you know, I really hate driving todays. Last month, I hired an independent driver to take me to my shooting locations. Because I just cannot stand the exhaustion and the tense to be in traffic. My stress is multiplied in traffic. I really hate driving. I really hate to spend most of my time driving. I want someone to understand that and wish they hate it too. I would like to curse driving together with him/her.


Tomorrow is the last day of 2013. My prayer will be to be out of this stiffness, numbness, depression, stress, anxiety, and panic attacks that have lingered me for the whole year. It’s just frustrating. Please, please, please God, would you hear my prayer?