Must Be Gone

by M. A

From listening to Diet Mtn Dew to finding the suitable photography university programs abroad to just hitting DEL and SPACE(s). I’m in a state of old cliche. In the exact same place I used to be. Staring empty with random head contents. I’m numb and feel like a zombie. I’m a person of conflict. I know that some people would not want to hear me talking with big words. Most of them are my family. I don’t really mind. I’m a human. I earn money for a living. Not just that, I do ‘pro bono’ things to live. I’m interested in beauty and eroticism, stuff that some people will not understand about.

I find it complex to deal with a person like me. I feel like a person who is really determined and eager, strong and ambitious. But inside, I could be as fragile as a glass. I listen to songs which encourage me to destruct my being. I feel fine with it. I’m self-driven. I never share this with a human being. I’d rather type. I can communicate what I feel well enough. Pointing out problems and all. But sometimes, a friend, a human, cannot really bear what I feel. Or am I just underestimate them? I’m not quiet understand about how friendship works. Not anymore. I’m this deep person and I don’t have a chance to have a cute casual friendship. I befriend boys. For the love of having fun all day. The actual things is my guitar and piano. They listen to what I feel. They sincerely give me a chance to fall hard in order to take me higher. I feel okay to be buried. I’m in a negative state and I don’t need a friend to cheer me up or ask how I am doing. Sometimes I just need to be carried away. Sometimes I go back. But I really wish for this time to be carried way away forever. Above all reasons to keep me trying so hard, I’m born to need and be needed. I should be gone. People cannot tell me what to do. Are they going through my things? no.