by M. A

The time I went to my blog is when I’m pathless. I trully feel empty tonight. I feel like to die is better than to live. I have spaces for myself, a small space, a box to surround my stiff body down there. It’s dark, it’s humid, it holds every nightmare we had when we live. Yet, why I feel peace picturing it. Some people cheer us when we’re sad, and say that we should move on, move along the crowd, “everything’s gonna be okay”, “you’ll find the happiness of your life”. I guess those words are best to say when the person is not in our position, doesn’t really ‘relate’ to us or just don’t have any better words.

Maybe I’m expecting more in my life, but I don’t really know. Yet, I’m going for something vivid, some picture that makes everyone leave me one by one because they don’t believe it’ll be realized. I cannot guarantee things for my future but I know I will never go for less. I have sacrificed, I have loved, I have argued, I have been uneasy. Never I expect things to be easy in my life, never I expect everything will go smooth either. I can’t do for less. I can’t sit and do nothing. I can’t let the world evolve. I want to move the world. A person with particular impulsiveness, that’s me. We all have some impulsive part that ‘maybe’ we won’t admit. But I admit it, I’m part of my impulsiveness. Well I can’t please everybody everyday. Because it feels hard to please my own self.

To me, writing feelings is like a therapy. This is the only place I can go to set my mind straight. I know I have those people who are willing to hear my stories. But you know what, I’m quite traumatic. I don’t want judgmental people judge my stories. Try to make me feel okay. I don’t want to be normal. I don’t want to be like everybody else. I want better. I need to achieve my truest self. I won’t consider having (what they say) perfect and normal life. I won’t my life filled with great stories. Until my last breath, my last drop of blood, my last sweat, I want an adventurous and wise life. I want to fly and I want to be okay flying.

So, I feel a bit okay now, I have to be okay, right? Do you have a suggestion where should I go to talk about this extraordinary picture? Because I’m hopeless on people, they are my problem, they are judges, BAD JUDGES. I guess, if my money is overload, I’ll befriend a shrink and have lunch together. I would love to hear people who think out of the box talking. I love to hear people who talk about ideas, about details of life. Not other people, not rumors, not gossips or whoever it is. I feel like leaving the conversation when it happens. Don’t blame me. I just have zero interest on talking about it.