Shoved by Belief

by M. A

A blog,

I used to like visiting my blog just to post whines. I guess it is my primary reason of making one, I like to whine. I know some of you won’t like to hear. But I also know that one of you really relate to what I feel.

Well, I blog so I could feel liberated. Not always, but I’m not a type of person who likes to talk about my feelings with people. Only few of them know me, relate to my story, yet, I still feel alone solving every problem I got in my world. I don’t need people to believe what I’ve been saying since it’s not the purpose why I’m telling you the story.


Someone I really dear make a decision based on belief. I was torn (obviously), I went crazy. In this particular time, I cannot relate to some people who believe in their belief like drunken men having happy hours. My friends Valerinne shouted, “The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact that a drunken man is happier than a sober one.” Her twits opens my eyes for something I still cannot understand. Then I replied her tweet, “If that’s the case, I’d like to begin drinking again”.

I’m no believer. wait, aren’t I? I still have no idea. I have other ideas. But I worship universe and Muslim’s God. Maybe I’m a little bit outcasting its norms and ideals. Maybe I truly just worship my own value of life. Those values shape me the way I am, or am I the one who shape my personality? Maybe.

So, there is a question simply come up after I read Valerinne’s twit. Believers are like bunch of drunken men which are blind and totally unconscious. Consciusness awakens me in my life, so that’s why I don’t stick to one religion’s values. The hell with it I’m still losing. I begin to think I’m the one who’s drunk. It alerts me.


Good behavior only triggers by good environment. I’m raging this time, why? cos I’m losing a person who I really dear. I cannot manage my behavior. Bunch of drunken men* might show their best and their decent behavior. But I’m not drunk. I say, let’s show how raging I am until I’m done with it. No, belief does not make me a good person because it sounds like “It is okay you hurt other people as long as you believe in your religion”. Consciusness makes me a good person. Because I’m conscious enough not to hurt somebody physically, letting other people get what they want, appreciate life, appreciate others, sharing happiness with ones who need it. THAT makes me a good person. Oh, belief does not shape me like that. Live under penalties. Fuck it I’m still losing.

I feel like a bull. What keeps me coming back is the love. Maybe love is like a belief to me. So can I say I was drunk as well? So, to be unloved is to be sober (normal)? that’s a crazy idea I know. But I’m losing my zone, I need my comfort zone. Like Sheldon in The Big Bang Theory, “Wednesday is Halo Night and new comic book day, while vintage video games are played on Friday”. Yes, If I don’t have my own day, my dear, my friends, my favorite food, my favorite place to hang out, my favorite drink, my favorite cuddler, I’ll be raging.

*Bunch of drunken men = believers