Troubled.

by M. A

At night I keep my head opened. I’m always triggered to make ‘black’ phone calls. I don’t pay attention maybe I did something reckless and keep on doing it. But this heart says different. I keep calling and I can’t maintain my patience. “Patience and trust are expensive”, they say. I do believe in that phrase. But I don’t have both. I don’t have patience, and yet distrusted.

At night, I always think I can obtain my own interests. When I fear of losing my chances, it led me to indifferent person. I cannot surrender though. The last time I surrender, I didn’t have any feelings left, I didn’t have deja vou that I have stopped some certain phase in life. I was free and obeyed no order people gave me. I could go high, be irresponsible, acting like kids with their reckless friends. I have those circles. But somehow this is my late ego. I cannot wake up and feeling unexpected. I want to be expected at least on doing goodness and make you proud. I’ve lost significant bestfriends, I cannot guarantee everything. In my hand, things are easily destroyed.

Is that my picture? am I unexpected for at least in figure of love?

I sometimes see, I don’t need somebody. I deployed them easily. I have been mean to all my regarded pals. Oh well. I cannot complain. I know I’ve been too easy to erase things on my mind. First step is to remove all contacts and links that related to them. Second I might erase photos or really not talking about them. If I may say, I’m not mad. I don’t disrespect either. I go very quiet if people are starting to step by step leave me behind. Well, I’m so familiar with that. The thing is, I think that this is the way I live. I’ve been left, and I left people.

At night I ponder, how is this gonna change. But my ratio answers, I am this. If I change things, they won’t give any best for me, they only send me much tire. But I’m still needy yet tortured and wounded. I know it’s not only me. I know outthere, someone’s feel so mashed up and blur. So, nights have been my only friend, I get along so well with it. I go doomed on days. Uncertainty, forgiveness, love, needs, happiness, all of that- do I have to create rhetorical scenario about those things? again? well, I think about it so much. I pursue them. I don’t just stand and stare all years to finally have them. But maybe sometimes I hit too much pressure on it. Until it finally disappears. When phase like this happens, I often go quiet.

Maybe this is my late ego, that people often blame me for. And I choose nothing. I have no option. No rational choices. My story is my activity. I just have something big, deep inside my heart. I often think about it. Review, recap, and results nothing.

At night, I write this because night has been so kind to let me pour those feelings into words. I should have been thankful to nights.

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