The Gravel of Mind

every little thing I spit..

2017

The day that I am back here. The year as an ending and a beginning.

The blog that witnessed it all.

The place they wouldn’t know I spend time in.

Tonight I read again what I wrote here, and that it gives me chill how fucked up I have been for years and years and years and years without sufficient help, or, correct help to be unfucked. I did have session with therapist, gradually feel better. But I think I need more twist to break the chain.

I screwed up. Big Time.

Regret? Yes.

Remorse? Yes.

Sad? Over time

Depressed? Got prescribed anti depressants

Angry? sometimes

Anxious? The whole Time

So Here I am again, different years, same shit. Depressed.

It feels like nothing has changed but actually this time the change happened and I could face it.

Sometimes I am being avoidant about the situation, sometimes I drank up, sometimes I took 2 sports classes a day, sometimes I mindlessly bought plane ticket to be away from home. Sometimes, I ate just once a day, and coffee. Shred 5 kg from my body. I heard I’m getting a six pack, but what is a six pack without the love of your life? LOL.

Nah, I know that it’s just for me.

This day, ordinary day. Last 3 months, hell.

I still couldn’t write better, because my brain still in bad shape, my heart and my mind are still in bad shape. Maybe someday I could elaborate.

But the story is: the 11 years , the 11, is not with me anymore.

How contradictory it is that the number that my past s.o loved the most, marks the year of separation.

But let’s face it. Like a mature person. And taste life. Like what we want. For now, I am so hopeful to be admitted to be in Vipassana course on November. If they rejects it, fuck it. I’m taking more classes.

Advertisements

Onto Relevancy

Another year passed by. I actually have the smallest needs to project myself onto the people’s tables, ipads, iphones or social medias. I feel like I don’t need to be seen and it wasn’t negative as I speak. I want this, I want oblivion. It is so good, and mentally cleansing yourself from the current fads.

Today, marked the Fifth year I worked from home. It is a remarkable journey. I want to share you something I just read, and it could pretty much sums up what I feel today.

https://www.weforum.org/agenda/2016/08/10-habits-of-utterly-authentic-people/

Sugar Cherry

Since when do we have to sugar coat or cherry top our opinions on anything?

I see it the most unhealthy form of expressing yourself

These very days, I rarely hear bitterness up in the conversation than ones on the TV. These ones are very brutal.

It’s not that you have to be very bitter all the time because you’re not dumb or even saying nice things all the time because you must use your intelligence once in a while

It’s only because I find being straight forward the most efficient way, it shortens your words

Nevermind, I don’t like cherries anyway



Voyage

It was ended and begun well

And I hope it marks a year of voyage





The fast paced Life

Fast forward to two years

Here we are in 2015

I skipped two years in writing my personal thoughts

Each time I go back to this place, I read my previous thoughts and felt like I suffered the most two years ago. Where episodes of panick attacks and depresion hit my days.

I’ve been working my ass off to get here. And it’s still nowhere. And I am both scared and happy to be where I am today. 

In the beginning of this year, I rent a house and build a portrait studio that I can utilize for my shootings. It’s not much but I have fun with it.





I never thought I would have my own place this fast. This make me both anxious and excited and anxious. 

In the future, I want to invest more in myself. I want to take it easy on physical gains and train myself for more insights and mindfulness.

I really hope I remember this promise.

2013

It’s that time of the year again. The time when you come to realise that you have gone further in a year. WordPress layout is showered with snow. That’s what I like about WordPress over B*spot. They don’t celebrate it there.

 

This time of year, I don’t feel very much welcomed by my own body. I have been struggling with depression, anxiety and panic attacks. Since I read somewhere if it has happened more than twice, it’d be called, panic disorder. I am 24 years old. I have my passion as my career, I have a  so many things to be grateful for. Yet I don’t fit in this body. I feel very rejected and I have gone through a lot of pain during 2013.

 

I can say I have spent most of my allowance for shopping and medical expenses. Could you guess why?  Some people will relate to this. I have been very clueless with what happens to my life.

 

Usually, people will never post such thing in the internet. But I don’t think ‘not writing’ this will make me feel any difference. SO I just say ‘fuck it, no one would even care to read’. Except myself. And I love reading what I’ve written in the previous time.

 

I have been troubled by some uneasy nights, dreams, and numbers of episodes of heart burn that led me to the emergency room. Doctors said it wasn’t heart attack, it’s just my anxiety attacks. I don’t feel any lighter when they said that. It’s pretty much summed up that I will be fucked up.

 

But I can say that my overly concern on health, even though it has cost me a lot, make me seeing the brighter side. But i don’t find it amusing. 

 

No one would ever understand this. They would only say ‘it’s just in your head’. That is the most cliche thing I have ever heard during my pain. You just don’t say that to people with depression.

 

Also, you know, I really hate driving todays. Last month, I hired an independent driver to take me to my shooting locations. Because I just cannot stand the exhaustion and the tense to be in traffic. My stress is multiplied in traffic. I really hate driving. I really hate to spend most of my time driving. I want someone to understand that and wish they hate it too. I would like to curse driving together with him/her.

 

Tomorrow is the last day of 2013. My prayer will be to be out of this stiffness, numbness, depression, stress, anxiety, and panic attacks that have lingered me for the whole year. It’s just frustrating. Please, please, please God, would you hear my prayer?

 

Trampoline Life

I am sick of people asking about “What do you do for a living?”

I get that a lot. I always answer them. That I do have a business to run and I don’t go to work from 9-5 and granted an insurance, bonus and always receive a salary by the end of the month.

Here are the things that I do for a living:

* I am 100% employed.

*My job requires me to be a photographer, a public relation, a caretaker, an assistance, a technical assistance, a supervisor, an employer, an employee, an editor, a videographer, a video editor, a blogger and so on. Basically how can one think that they job they currently have will level with these things I do? now, I don’t mean to underestimate people. But people underestimate my way very often. I mean, one is hired to be an editor in an office for example. The only thing she/he will do is being an editor! Same goes to other occupation. They focus to only one thing. But I started up my business, and I have to be able to run every job description available in order to make things run.

*I have salary, per month base. I set my own salary. I receive numbers of projects with decent benefit. And I take my part of rewards. The rest of the money goes to other business allocation and resource collaboration like editors, assistants, photographers, videographers, designers etc.

*My job requires me to work unpredicted time. It’s no 9-5 job. Here’s the thing, I shoot weddings mainly on the weekend. When regular employee is having day offs and being with the family. On weekdays, I have editing to do, a meeting, products supervising etc. And sometimes between that, I have day offs. I go to the park, malls, book store, meeting my people, brain storming with people, or just plainly sleeping to rest the bones. I’m restless too. You still dare to ask what do I do for a living? Sometimes in my wedding work, I have to standby from 5am in the morning till 11 in the evening. It’s 18 hours of work. And the work doesn’t stop there. It will ask for follow ups the next day, weeks, months, years.

*My job involves high risk. Risk of health, risk of reputation, risk of theft, risk of loosing data, risk of loosing capitals, risk of patents etc. It’s high demands, and everything that involves risk, I have faced it in my job. The regular people have themselves insured by their offices. They have sick days that they can take anytime and still receive salary while skipping work. I will not receive my salary if I’m skipping my work.  They have bonus by the end of the year. They are safe. And that’s not what I do. I have to make my bonus by working harder! finding more and especially RIGHT customer. Right customer is more important that it means my works speak to them, and their style speak to me. This connection is the work I’m currently building. It’s not open-ended type of trade. I am always open for my clients if they need me. In a very critical time, I have to sacrifice my own ‘me time’ in order to satisfy clients. I hope you understand that it’s a lot of work, what I do for a living.

*My job allows me to travel to places that I have never been before. To shoot weddings, or just planing trips out of my savings. It’s really enjoyable. Because I have flexible time to manage when to work, and when it’s not to work. Yes! Because I am the employer of myself. I work for my company. I don’t build it and leave it alone just like that. The benefit is, I can choose my own ‘me time’. I have more flexibility than people who has daily jobs.

*My job has connected me to numbers of people that is beneficial for networking, or just simply a motivated being. I love the people I meet and I want to make more friends as I get older. I don’t want to get stuck in one circle and stop making friends. Because I believe, the older we get, the harder we can make friends. The olders will only focus on piling money, building career, buying expensive cars and houses, yet less friends. My job will grant me unlimited chance to meet new people. Maybe not everyday, but at least every month.

So I think these are my answers to the question of “What Do You Do for A Living?”. I have my chance to explain, so I explain. And also, I agree with this article my friend shared me http://under30ceo.com/an-open-letter-to-frustrated-20-somethings/

What do you do for a living is different with how I make my money. It’s about what I do in my time! Those answers are clear enough.

About what I do in my time, I have goals, what I want to do in my life. Yes I’d save for a house with a studio. But other than making money with business, I want to travel, and I want a warm life with warm food, and warm good people in it. The rest is not my focused. So we make money differently, so what?

I hope people with entrepreneurial vision will wake up and build their dream. And I hope other people would open their mind, it’s not ‘those years’ anymore. Work smart and work hard! Not just work, but work with heart. And leave the job for awhile and reunite with yourself. Who wants to spend the rest of the days looking bored and unmotivated because you don’t have vision about yourself? Create something you’ll be proud of in your life (;

 

Cheers,

Mute

Why Would I Want Your Presence Anyway?

 

It is such a waste of time. Why would I want your presence anyway? Just to be stab in the back over time.
Why would I want you anyway? To be only secluded by unhealthy mentality
Why would I want us to be friend anyway? Just to drive your package 5 hours on the road only to be told ‘Gue lupa ngasi tau lo gue ga disitu lagi’ and arriving at the destination just to hear ‘sorry ngerepotin’ and at the end seen my presence as your kurir and servants, to only see something that I really would kill myself with.
 
You are no better than substance.
No better than anything else in the world.
You have my friends, go ahead, I don’t take people.
Yes, I like your boss.
Yes, I would have a new environment after this.
I want a non-abusive relationship. Maybe as our physics are fine, our mentals, psychological, emotional aren’t capable to mend the situation. You better go eat your fucking perspective shit.
No, I don’t have commitment issue. Before you, I have 9 years relationship. I commit my fucking self. Until I see why I cannot be with him anymore.
You are not my first. Won’t be my last either.
I have too many unsolved issues with you. I could go crazy with it.
Only to hear, ‘What you say is hurt. Then you’ll say you don’t mean your words’
I mean all of my fucking world. I meant them all.
Situation like this makes it vivid.
 
You won’t know, it feels thousand times better with someone else.
 
No, I won’t get deluded again

R.E.C.A.P

Hello uninvited fellows,

Thank you for being not real. I love you guys for that. Usually when I come writing here, I don’t want somebody else to know in purpose. I want society to guess what is it like, how odd it feels like to be me, a person who thinks too much and talk a lot. I always come with an argument. On my daily life, I know I’m trying to give my best such as what can I do to help the world. Sounds exaggerating but I don’t know any sweeter word to say. I contribute to world within its 24 hours rotation.

There is not much ‘you’ here. Only I. Because sometimes I feel so tired and so consumed by my own thoughts of uncertainty, possessiveness over world, people, things etc. I don’t know why I wanted to be an artist. I don’t choose to be (or maybe I did), but I feel really lonesome being one. But less lonesome than doing anything else beside what I do. Bear with me world, I’ll be using some words you don’t expect to understand. I’m being myself now, you are not my muse this time.

Today I did a lot of stuff, this month I did a lot of stuff. This year I did a lot of stuff. 2012 has given me some challenges and opportunities I’ve been waiting to get before. Near its end, i wanted to thank you for providing them to me. For the love, for the lust, for the companion, for the anxiety, for the muses, for the drinks, for the food, for the nights, for the distances, for the hallucination, for the euphorias, for everything.

You know weirdo world, I make friends this year. You rational, normal people might laugh at me. Some of the freaks might understand and could step in my shoes. Yes, I interact, I make more contacts this year. And this is awesome, world. They are not only the contact I put numbers on my phone wether or not I might meet them. They talk to me, they give me signs that I should do the opportunity if I want to be a better person. They are the best kind of people. Sometimes normal, rational people hate them, envy them, talk behind them, but I love them for have been reaching the extra miles. I love seeing people’s motion. It means they don’t stop. I can’t imagine seeing the same thing everyday, seeing people settling down doing monotone routines. Maybe I can, but I hate myself when I’m seeing it. I don’t feel alive, and I need to feel alive.

I have an aunt that I dear so much, she is so polite and her voice is as soothing as the wind blows (trust me, I can exaggerate anything on my own blog, you don’t wanna fight me on this) She is like an angel. She cooks, she has been experiencing uneasy situation her whole life, yet her heart is as white as snow. That’s what I see. Sometimes imperfect people is what you need to make you feel perfect. While the ‘try-to-be’ perfect ones would only make you feel like shit. I love my aunt, she went back to her house today and I’m so sad. I’m also in my period and maybe that’s why I’m crying.

But I just want world to know that I thank you. That I will try to keep you safe. That I will keep myself safe from things I don’t need to hear or see in my life. And I also wish that my weirdo fellows would always be happy, and I try to be there when they are not. I stop taking, and I’m ready to start giving.

I hate goodbyes but I might see you and posting here again next time (when I’m in uneasy situation, I always come back to you, I got you). Merry Christmas and I need another good year.

Image

Gazing over Dysfunctional Soul

Blogging is therapeutic. I really can’t go somewhere else to feel alone. I love it here. Here’s is quiet. Here’s dominated by darkness and desaturated kaleidoscope. I was this girl with a good heart. good manner. Who could cry over something touchy. Who would feel empathy for someone who’s going through minor sickness. And now I’m so cold-hearted and despising some others’ values or voices. I can scream here, I can be myself. I can be inconsiderate here. I can feel my soul.

To feel how good it is to touch the soil, to play splash water, to lay feel the warm sun outside. I have run out such feelings. I have been too logical who cry inside. I have gone through a lot of pain. It might be the factor why I turn out this way. I can’t hear the voice of my heart. You would feel how dysfunctional I am the whole time.

It’s been great and painful years. I keep going and reassure myself that I can do it. That I can get what I deserve. That I’m fine. That I’m normal kind of person. But I know I’m not. I’m not happy rambling about football or any match. Food over fuss. Oddity over dreams. Logics over feelings. I can’t understand why.  I know that some people would love to cheer me up and making me see the light side of life. But I’m not looking for that, I guess. I don’t how to describe this but sometimes pain is my only friend. Beauty.

If I’m being investigated by The Lightman Group, they might see that I’m showing a hopelessness. I might be a person who would jump off the bridge just to finalize the beauty of pain. Yet I would still regret it because I will make people I love feel miserable because of me. I can’t. I feel I have to stand up straight. Looking at the sun and take bullets for people I love. But sometimes the magic doesn’t work everywhere. Only in a small room filled with a nice voice and dreams. The magic keeps me alive.