Hello uninvited fellows,
Thank you for being not real. I love you guys for that. Usually when I come writing here, I don’t want somebody else to know in purpose. I want society to guess what is it like, how odd it feels like to be me, a person who thinks too much and talk a lot. I always come with an argument. On my daily life, I know I’m trying to give my best such as what can I do to help the world. Sounds exaggerating but I don’t know any sweeter word to say. I contribute to world within its 24 hours rotation.
There is not much ‘you’ here. Only I. Because sometimes I feel so tired and so consumed by my own thoughts of uncertainty, possessiveness over world, people, things etc. I don’t know why I wanted to be an artist. I don’t choose to be (or maybe I did), but I feel really lonesome being one. But less lonesome than doing anything else beside what I do. Bear with me world, I’ll be using some words you don’t expect to understand. I’m being myself now, you are not my muse this time.
Today I did a lot of stuff, this month I did a lot of stuff. This year I did a lot of stuff. 2012 has given me some challenges and opportunities I’ve been waiting to get before. Near its end, i wanted to thank you for providing them to me. For the love, for the lust, for the companion, for the anxiety, for the muses, for the drinks, for the food, for the nights, for the distances, for the hallucination, for the euphorias, for everything.
You know weirdo world, I make friends this year. You rational, normal people might laugh at me. Some of the freaks might understand and could step in my shoes. Yes, I interact, I make more contacts this year. And this is awesome, world. They are not only the contact I put numbers on my phone wether or not I might meet them. They talk to me, they give me signs that I should do the opportunity if I want to be a better person. They are the best kind of people. Sometimes normal, rational people hate them, envy them, talk behind them, but I love them for have been reaching the extra miles. I love seeing people’s motion. It means they don’t stop. I can’t imagine seeing the same thing everyday, seeing people settling down doing monotone routines. Maybe I can, but I hate myself when I’m seeing it. I don’t feel alive, and I need to feel alive.
I have an aunt that I dear so much, she is so polite and her voice is as soothing as the wind blows (trust me, I can exaggerate anything on my own blog, you don’t wanna fight me on this) She is like an angel. She cooks, she has been experiencing uneasy situation her whole life, yet her heart is as white as snow. That’s what I see. Sometimes imperfect people is what you need to make you feel perfect. While the ‘try-to-be’ perfect ones would only make you feel like shit. I love my aunt, she went back to her house today and I’m so sad. I’m also in my period and maybe that’s why I’m crying.
But I just want world to know that I thank you. That I will try to keep you safe. That I will keep myself safe from things I don’t need to hear or see in my life. And I also wish that my weirdo fellows would always be happy, and I try to be there when they are not. I stop taking, and I’m ready to start giving.
I hate goodbyes but I might see you and posting here again next time (when I’m in uneasy situation, I always come back to you, I got you). Merry Christmas and I need another good year.
Blogging is therapeutic. I really can’t go somewhere else to feel alone. I love it here. Here’s is quiet. Here’s dominated by darkness and desaturated kaleidoscope. I was this girl with a good heart. good manner. Who could cry over something touchy. Who would feel empathy for someone who’s going through minor sickness. And now I’m so cold-hearted and despising some others’ values or voices. I can scream here, I can be myself. I can be inconsiderate here. I can feel my soul.
To feel how good it is to touch the soil, to play splash water, to lay feel the warm sun outside. I have run out such feelings. I have been too logical who cry inside. I have gone through a lot of pain. It might be the factor why I turn out this way. I can’t hear the voice of my heart. You would feel how dysfunctional I am the whole time.
It’s been great and painful years. I keep going and reassure myself that I can do it. That I can get what I deserve. That I’m fine. That I’m normal kind of person. But I know I’m not. I’m not happy rambling about football or any match. Food over fuss. Oddity over dreams. Logics over feelings. I can’t understand why. I know that some people would love to cheer me up and making me see the light side of life. But I’m not looking for that, I guess. I don’t how to describe this but sometimes pain is my only friend. Beauty.
If I’m being investigated by The Lightman Group, they might see that I’m showing a hopelessness. I might be a person who would jump off the bridge just to finalize the beauty of pain. Yet I would still regret it because I will make people I love feel miserable because of me. I can’t. I feel I have to stand up straight. Looking at the sun and take bullets for people I love. But sometimes the magic doesn’t work everywhere. Only in a small room filled with a nice voice and dreams. The magic keeps me alive.
Hi again, hello, selamat siang,
Today, my mind was caught on the idea of parenting. It bugs me and I thought all parents should know this. My idea was inspired by a real occasion.
Do any of my readers is raising a child? If you have not been one, maybe you can make my post as an input for you. Parenting matters a lot. In this point of view, I become the child. Yesterday I saw so many movies about psychopaths who killed others to satisfied his peculiar needs. I watched Ted Bundy, Saw, Human Centipede, Modus Anomali, The girl with a dragon tattoo and many other. The resemblance of all these movies is their anomalous behavior was driven by false parenting and bitter childhood memory. I really love to make an essay about it because I take it very seriously. I also know some people are rather being in denial or ignore such things caused by family. As parents, will you let your child grow or just doing things as you want? Some parents ignore the needs of their child, and heck no it’s not material needs requirements. It’s the needs of affection, wisdom, good shared value, reasons, attention, kindness and so on. Many parents ignore these needs, they work too hard, they thought they have fulfilled every needs of a child while they are doing it all wrong. Raising a kid will not stop until they got married or graduate from a university. Or will you be the parents who nurture, and what I meant by ‘nurturing’ is not answering ‘yes, you can’ or ‘no, you cannot’ towards the child activity. A child is a mix of the dad’s and mom’s values. Believe it or not, what you see in a child is your character mixed with your husband’s/wife’s quality. You can’t say ‘yes or no’ to your own being when you feel not okay right? If so, you are in denial. And one cannot learn anything and gain wisdom in denial. The speak of truth.
If you have a child, you deal with a mixture that needs to be loved. A child is here to give you alarm that your good and bad qualities is now facing you back. You just cannot hate them for being you right? If you allow this to happen, you can hate yourself now. In marriage, in family, in raising a kid, you only need love, affection, attention, and good values. Some parents wanna be the boss. They can’t even lead themselves. They can’t even let themselves grow better. When a child does something wrong, he/she will be very disappointed and start blaming and building a wall for the kid. It’s not your child to blame, it’s YOU! false parents in denial. I hope you realize it before it’s too late. And I will let you know how could it be if you keep in denial.
When you raise a child the way like they work for you, you will be very disappointed. They are not born in this world to work for you, to satisfy you, to keep your status and so on. They are here to share love and wisdom to other people in this world. To give shelter to people who need it. To learn, and I mean by learning, it’s a never ending experience. You will keep on learning until you die. Face it wisely. Parents’ status will not do anything about it. Put it aside, or you’ve been living like a dead troll. Status or any honor you gain in this world is not your child to look for. Again, if so, you are in denial about what truly is fundamental in life. And of course, it’s not a status. Until a child grow, 5-10-15-20 years old, they need your wisest being about life in this world. As your kid ages, your ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer will felt like a wasteful solution. It’s not ‘yes’ or ‘no’ they need to hear. They need the ‘WHY CAN THEY and WHY CAN’T THEY?’. Give them the WISEST reason and I mean ALWAYS. You can be their best coaches in the world or suckers in facing reality of life. You need to know that you are wrong when you let them live to lift up to your definition and expectation of life. You are so ungodly that way. And you thought your ‘Hajj’ or ‘devout religiously’ or ‘CEO’ status will justify that you are always right when you’re raising them. Well if so, you’re so in denial. I hope you can learn.
A child does not only consist of you and your husband’s/wife’s value. God has giveth her another excellent quality that you and your husbands don’t have. God is so smart and wise this way, it’s up to you to remain dumb or ignorant about his veracity. Will you shape this new quality or will you crush it instead by raising them like you’re the boss and the righteous? If you crush your children’s pure values and quality, and what I mean by this is what actually important to your child. Will you ignore their importance and replace it with what you deem as important? Oh then you’ll be a hella worst of a parents. Congrats! You’ve been staring at the wrong sky.
Now, you have known partial reasons about raising a child in valuable way. You now have reasons to be a good mother and father or being a judge and a boss instead in your house. Your call, your cost. You might see your child as a successful individual with good grades and good skill. It is a celebration for parents who have taught their kids with loving values instead being a curator, hypocritical and a boss. While the hypocritical parents will see it as satisfaction. but NOT YOUR KID’S SATISFACTION. because you have let them lived up to your way, up to your manner about what’s good, what’s right for you and all. You are a puppeteer. It’s suppose to be THEIR life and NOT YOURS. You know what any other cost you would have if you keep being ignorant about this? They can be monsters. You create them. They can turn their back on you later on when they grow up and strong enough to do it. And don’t worry, they will do it. Because they have suffered inside for a long time by living in your definition of success, definition of goodness, while you’re reflecting a wrong value about that. The similarity of psychopaths stories was driven by bad childhood experience. They were taught unlovingly or unsatisfied with life because their parents are ignorant, in denial, that the child needs more than just a shelter but love. The needs varies. Some kid need more affection than anything. Some need your wisdom and not judgement. Some need your attention and not your ‘yes or no’. Some need love than to be treated full of hate. If you don’t see this as important, maybe it’s not the kid who needs to grow. It’s you. Will you create great experience and memories with your child so they will fall into your arms over time they feel ignored by life? or will you be the one that they turn their back on because you give them false experience? It’s psychological. To be a parent, you need to know about human psychology, about kid’s psychology, about love, about caress and all. Great parents admit that they are wrong instead of forcing their ‘current’ value on their children.
How are you? I always blog like I’m sending someone a special e-mail. The difference is I won’t send my clients some bitter words. I turn 23 today. I have congratulate myself saying “Ah, happy birthday to me. More serious this year”. That came up naturally. I wanted to say it because I know one hour away, my birthday will be others’ celebration and not mine. So I love saying ‘happy birthday’ to myself. Pathetic yet comforting. I won’t let anyone do it for me.
Usually if I’m blogging, it means 140 words can’t handle it well. Twitter sucks at delivering things in your head that need some elaboration. Anyhow, follow my twitter for more wasteful stories. Gonna be back soon. Cos I thought I want to blog, but after typing this, I’d rather sleep. ha! this is how liberating my ‘blog world’ is.
You should know that you give me warmth I couldn’t get from someone else.
You should know that you are the only one that stays over past few years and accompany me through my imbecile obstacles.
You should know that I care about you because you are that great I couldn’t not care about you.
You should know that you’re worry too much but I feel your burden. Even though sometimes I consider it only as unimportant problem. But you should know, it’s in fact important. For you, and for you to be happier.
You should know that I don’t expect you to be greater, more this, more that, I just need you beside me. And I know that’s a shame that you are over me and I’m not. You should know that I love you when you’re happy with me.
You should know that I support you. Even though sometimes, I cannot admit that you’re so right. And I have to mend my fear about losing you. You should know that it’s never easy to be okay.
You should know that your presence is like a switch for me. You gone and I go all bitter. You’re here, I’ll be like a child in a fantasy land. You should know I feel so.
You should know that you matter to me. Everything you do matters to me. Even though sometimes I’m overreacted and everything goes big deal. You should know that it’s only because I’m temperamental.
You should know that I regret the way I be so temperamental. I don’t feel okay. About everything. You should know that lately I lose all positivity I got because I’ve dealt with deep burden many times. I forgot how to feel sincerely positive. You should know that I actually envy you to still have faith on your things that will lead you to happiness. But I always wonder will you be happy without me? Am I gonna be happy without you? You should know that I still don’t have the answer and I just want your presence.
You should know that you are what everyone’s looking for in life. Brave, free, positive, optimistic, powerful, smart, creative kind that can change the world around you. You should know that you’ve changed mine. You should know you have impacted my life. You should know that I’m too ashamed to admit I don’t do the same thing to your life.
You should know I never truly blame you for being that good. It’s just again, my ego. I don’t know anywhere else to run to beside you. You complete me. You should know that.
You should know that I always welcome you. But I might be afraid of what I see so I put rude attitude out front instead. You should know I just feel weak. You should know that I need you to slap me hard when that happens.
You should know, hearing this playlist, is like having bon fire sleepless night inside my head. You’re my story, history, future story, lesson that human kind should recognize. I would love to spread your positivity to others. But I know I’m coward enough to do that.
The last thing you should know, you must sleep. You must eat. (:
From listening to Diet Mtn Dew to finding the suitable photography university programs abroad to just hitting DEL and SPACE(s). I’m in a state of old cliche. In the exact same place I used to be. Staring empty with random head contents. I’m numb and feel like a zombie. I’m a person of conflict. I know that some people would not want to hear me talking with big words. Most of them are my family. I don’t really mind. I’m a human. I earn money for a living. Not just that, I do ‘pro bono’ things to live. I’m interested in beauty and eroticism, stuff that some people will not understand about.
I find it complex to deal with a person like me. I feel like a person who is really determined and eager, strong and ambitious. But inside, I could be as fragile as a glass. I listen to songs which encourage me to destruct my being. I feel fine with it. I’m self-driven. I never share this with a human being. I’d rather type. I can communicate what I feel well enough. Pointing out problems and all. But sometimes, a friend, a human, cannot really bear what I feel. Or am I just underestimate them? I’m not quiet understand about how friendship works. Not anymore. I’m this deep person and I don’t have a chance to have a cute casual friendship. I befriend boys. For the love of having fun all day. The actual things is my guitar and piano. They listen to what I feel. They sincerely give me a chance to fall hard in order to take me higher. I feel okay to be buried. I’m in a negative state and I don’t need a friend to cheer me up or ask how I am doing. Sometimes I just need to be carried away. Sometimes I go back. But I really wish for this time to be carried way away forever. Above all reasons to keep me trying so hard, I’m born to need and be needed. I should be gone. People cannot tell me what to do. Are they going through my things? no.